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what if...

"The present is not the result of the past. The present is the result of what you think it is the result of now."

then it has to do with definitions. if i woke up this morning, and held the belief, or self image that i was poor, then everything that happens to me during the day is a reflection of that belief.

what if i had short term amnesia, and that i will not have any memory whatsoever of what happened in the past, other than what is happening in my waking hours?

how will my life be?

i wouldn't have definitions held over from previous days. then whatever things i see, i see for the first time, like a child. i see the cupboard as interesting, and not label them as full or empty; worse, i wouldn't label my self as poor or rich based on what i see in the cupboard.

i will only see things as they are.

my needs are met each moment. i need food, there it is. i want to do something, and there it is. i see things and wonder about them if i wanted to, more out of curiosity than seeing them as a problem.

so is this how a child sees the world?

in a sense, the past does not have any effect on me other than how i define it to be. if i defined my self as one who enjoys vegetables today, then the past i will have is of me having enjoyed veggies as a young child. that memory was created in this moment, and not this moment a result of what happened in the past.

one can argue that the past can affect the present reality. of course it can, but only if you let it.

i recently had communication with an ex-girlfriend. in our shared past, she became pregnant and had an abortion. i felt devastated about that decision, and i am sure, so did she. this was one reason we broke up and went our separate ways.

a few weeks ago, she told me that she was not happy about her present circumstance. she worked in a different country, away from her husband and children. she complained she was up to her neck in credit card debt, and things did not look too bright in the future.

i tried to cheer things up by pointing out the good things that happened in my life. i could have shared with her the hardship i went through, but chose not to.

after i told her these, she retracted that it was easy for me to forget what happened between us. she mentioned that after we split up, she slept around with other men. i got the impression that she did not feel good about her decisions in the past, and this negative vibration showed in her present reality.

it was a slow process to forgive my self for that abortion incident, but i did. i chose to experience that reality to get something out of it. and i did. i have forgiven my self, and in the process, changed my point of view, of how i see things that relate to how i experience my reality. i even met bashar.

and now, looking back to that, i see a past, but somehow not feel that i am a result of that past, but how i see that past as it relates to my present reality. that my past complements to my present moment. that my definition of that past is related to my definition of now, but that past definition is created in this moment.

i can change that past definition as easily as choosing between two colors. i feel that it is that malleable, that flexible and easy to change--for it is my definition and mine alone.

how does this relate to my present circumstance?

i think i have given a negative meaning to this. if i see this, then this is its definition, its meaning. i see that now.

and i allow the present to be as it is. i know that i am going through a process that i chose to experience. and by seeing this as a process, then i am getting somethign out of this, in a positive way. it could be negative also, but if i get something good out of it, then i make it positive, don't i? yes, i believe so.

i do not know how to turn this thing around. the how is not my problem. sitting in to help me understand what the process is, is my job. let's see where this leads to then.