I had a long nap this morning at around ten. I don't know how many minutes that was. I had lunch when I awoke. I am going to pick up the kids in an hour. I haven't written morning pages yet, so here I am. I am not sure if I want to run later. I am back on the antihypertensives. I am shifting this for good. Not that I am angry or whatever. It is just that this no longer serves me and I am going to let this go. I mean eating to fill in that gap inside of me.
What is going to be different this time? I will get out more and be nice to myself. I will do yoga later when the kids are at home. I am not sure I want to run later. I was thinking I will change my run schedule, make that earlier so I don't have to run in the cold. I just don't feel like running today. So I won't. In fact, I don't feel like doing much of anything. I will do yoga thought. Am I supposed to go to foodtown?
I think I can do that. The kids need ketchup. What am I going to make for dinner? They can have hotdogs. Or that ham sandwich. What am I going to get from foodtown then? I will get ketchup and coke. I am comparing myself, valuing myself with others who have work. I am devaluing myself that way. I think it is best to compare myself using my own standards. Like what?
Like being able to act on my joy. Being able to follow my interest and be supported. I am able to do that. If I compared based on salary, that is not one to one thing. I chose a different path. Why should I compare and value self with different parameters? I think that wouldn't be fair for everyone. So I am aware of that now. I can change that. It does not serve me. Things are changing now.
I can grab something to eat later again when the kids are home. Right now, I am not hungry. I have that now. I can run tomorrow. Right now, I don't feel like it. I just want to be here and be myself. There are things to do around here. I can skip learning this afternoon. Like last night, I learned a lot. I can do that again. This afternoon, the kids are home and there are lots of things to do around here. I am going to forgo that and see what is available for me. I am allowing that for myself.
Wife and I argued last night. She kept preaching when I was giving signals that I was not buying. She kept pushing and I opened fire. She didn't like it. She never likes it when I tell her my side. Then she shuts down. And she wonders when I shut down instead. She wonders why we no longer talk. I respond to her in kind. You shut down and not resolve anything, I too, will reflect that back to you. So we went to sleep quiet without resolving anything. That's her recourse. I am not shouting at her. I just let her know what is in me. She says I am shouting. I am not. That is how I put my point across so I can be heard. She don't like it--the drapes are closed. So be it.
I don't know if we will talk again later. I cleaned up. I haven't hang the mirror yet. I can do that when I am done with the pc. The timer crashed. I wonder if this timer is the right one? I think not. But still I will write. I have time. There be nothing to do in the school when I get there. I'd rather get there on time. I can get coke for today and tomorrow. Also bread. So I am indeed going today then. Kids need bread for today and all of tomorrow. It's just too heavy carrying that bag.
I see now how it feels to have hypertension. The body is not at its best. I see the experience now. I am, I have changed that. It is no longer me. I have been making choices in the past. I was using poor excuse to fill in this gap inside of me. This hole. I see that now. What will fill in that hole? Being kind to myself. Giving myself more artist dates. That will do me a lot of good. What else?
Doing things that interest me. I only do things that don't interest me when i see it as part of the synchronicity. At first I see it as someone else's luggage. If there is no way of going around it and I have to go through, then that is part of the synchronicity. It is part of the process. How do I change the dictionary on this? I have removed two add ons of late from firefox. They no longer serve me. It is like that.
Was that someone coming up the stairs? I don't think so. It sounds weird. They would have knocked by now. It is just me and the cat inside this house. Does it get spooky? Only if I decide that it is spooky. Is it time to go? Not yet. I have time to write. i will write. I made changes to vim. I changed the background color. It is no longer white. I also changed some syntax colors. Not too bright. That don't serve me the way I want it to.
Do I remove windows vista now? I can do that. I no longer need that. I can do something else in the meantime. i don't feel like playing poker right now. The energy has shifted. I don't know where this is headed. All I know is that the energy has changed. I am writing so I can refer to these in the future and note how things were shifting. At times, it is just a mystery how things change and how it will serve me. Trying to know how it will serve me gets me stuck. Better for me to ride the wave. Riding the wave is not a good metaphor for me. Like a coin flip, I don't know how it will turn out. But riding the wave is the more common metaphor, so I ride that wave then.
But really, this is about letting go. I used to have dreams about deep dark waters. This is it. Diving into deep dark waters at night. The unknown. I guess this shows me how I define the unknown then. I don't want to have to rush walk when I go out. I want to take it easy. It is going to be heavy when I walk back up. That is going to be my workout then. I can learn python later when things settle down with the kids. But when they get home, it is like a tornado came into the stillness of my mind and tossed things around.
Trying to keep centered in one place is impossible. Center is in the eye of the storm. That is where I find the calm. So I go into it. I think I can stop writing now.