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tuesday

I don't like where I am right now. The poker pc failed yesterday. I am back to not playing poker again. Life just threw me a curve ball. I am back in the unknown zone. Bashar said this was an exciting place to be. How come I don't see it that way?

It's because I don't know how things will turn out. Then it is a control issue. The ego, mine, wants to know what is going to happen. And I am putting conditions, how I feel on that expectation. I don't know how to deal with that. At least I am aware of that. I don't know how to go from here. I will just take it one moment at a time. I will act on my excitement each moment and when that thread is through, I will look at whatever is next and pick on the one that is next exciting.

I am going to be aware, conscious of my thoughts. It all starts from there. I have this belief that unless a person makes money, he is not worth shit. I am not making any money. My wife is the breadwinner. I don't make decisions in this family unless it had something to do with myself. I define that as not good. And I feel bad about it.

Again, I am ok that I am aware of that idea inside my head. This helps show why the emotion is there. Depression is ok with me. It is the down cycle. It is all part of the whole. I don't have to know what is next. I hit the ball when it is on my side of the court. When the ball is on the other side, I stay in the center of my being and be open to what is happening now.

I don't think there is anything else I can do about the computer at this time. I am going to let go of it. I tried fixing it yesterday. I did everything I knew that I can do to make it work. It did not. Now just be open to doing nothing. No need to judge this as good or bad. It is just so. It has no meaning other than the meaning I put into it. Right now, that meaning is negative. I don't want this. How can I define this in a positive way?

I am taking a break from the poker business.

I am learning how to assemble a computer. I am learning how to work a computer from the outside this time. I am learning how to work a computer from the inside.

I am learning how to run the poker business inside linux. I have the time. I have the resources to make it work for me. It doesn't have to work for everyone else. There is only me in my universe. I got da joint working for me. It was perfect. It did what it was supposed to do--open tables at random.

I can do that inside linux. I can do anything that I put my mind to.

I can move on now.