i am not happy rightnow. like i have been in the neggies for a few weeks now. is this connected with my wife not being happy? i can see that. it's behind me. it's my own cloud now. no need to pin this on someone else. i own it. this is my experience. and my process. this is all part of the process. so why is this here? i don't know. to go through it. so i can use the energy. so much fear and anxiety. i am not in the present. i am either in the past or in the future. nothing i can do about it. just be in the moment.
right now, there is anxiety. then i use that. i sit on it. what do i do from here? just be in the moment. i can play poker if that will make me happy. not jumping up and down happy, but quiet and still that i am doing something. that be nice. my kids are in the living room. i saw this anne hathaway video. she is hot. i like her. but that is just me. i don't write as often anymore. where is this headed? i don't know. i feel like i don't know a lot anymore.
the python learning feels like it is going nowhere so i am letting that be for now. no need to force it. i will know what i need to know when i need to know it. i can go fasting tomorrow. it's just me and the cat tomorrow at home. they get home in the afternoon. i can go out and run then. or i can do my run in the noon time then do yoga in the afternoon. that'd be nice.
so does that mean that i am not running this time? Too steep at 5nl to pay tuition to see with top pair. and it all just happened right then and there. then it was all part of the process. then i don't know what to make off all this. just let it be. i already took a nap. i am not sleepy and will probably take a nap later. can't run now as we just had lunch. i can wash the dishes. that quiet things up with me.
like i am not happy here. i thought i'd be. it is because i am only keeping to myself. how can i change things? i need to get out and do something. i was doing things back in manila. this is boring here. what can i do around here? I need to get out more often and do something. i feel like i am not interacting with anyone. just me and the family. and the cat. occasionally, i interact with this or that person. and it feels weird. i miss the old familiar stuff. what can i do differently this time? no need to set limits with writing. if i get tired of it then i stop. i don't want to make this into one more chore that i have to do. i just want to write whenever i feel like it and not worry if someone else is going to read it. let it be anonymous then.
i can play poker and do so at the lower levels. it was a good run last night. i can still play there. there was so much anxiety early on. i see that now. what else can i do around here? it is the money issue? yes. there is a lot of anxiety with that. this is why this is here. i want, am changing my response to the lack of money. how do i change that? by being aware that it is there is one good thing. that breaks the pattern right there. seeing it, that cloud above my head. it brings out the sunshine. or at least i am made aware by myself that it is there and that i can use that energy.
so what else can i do with it? just be aware of it. wife is coming home later and will want to have sex tonight. what is the movie showing? i don't know. do something else? like what? interact with people. it has been difficult for me. i am not enjoying it here. do i need to go to a dojo? i can do that. i can offer services. i am no longer part of a dojo. is there one near around here? it is a long bike ride from here. and i think the ones i saw before are closed now.
i can start my own dojo around here. like what? i can do some learning. no need to advertise. i can do a lot of things from where i am. if there is too much conflict and negativity, then i do not want to go there. i only go where the light shines through. like where? i don't know yet. just be in the moment and see what happens.
Anne Hathaway's Lil' Wayne Style Paparazzi Rap - Conan on TBS - YouTube