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friday healing



I have half an hour to go before I pick up the kids... so I write. The garbage collectors have finished their job. The blue bin is empty, the cartons and papers were just picked up, and rubbish, a while ago was taken.

When I go out and get the kids, I will bring up the blue bin. This is what fridays is like around here. The buhaynz domain is going to expire soon. I am going to renew that. I wonder if I can do something about it? I don't know yet. For now, things work.

This is what my day is like. I learned more about ruby this morning. I watched videos that I have. I also read books. But what helps most is the coding practice. When I see ruby code, I write them. Even if I can read them. Writing them down on vim somehow makes a connection in my brain and I understand the code better. Simply reading them, it works as well, but I get 100 points bonus when I write them as well.

I think mongodb has good documentation with ruby. I am going to work with them. I can work with couchdb as well, we will see how things go. I think it will work either way.

I like couchdb as I can access or pipe html files from their database. I don't know if this is possible with mongo. Technically, I think it is possible as they are both nosql databases. It's just that different commands might be needed. I will test that one of these days.

I am more comfortable with ruby this time around. I have been looking into c and web development these past few weeks. Doing so helps me get a better understanding of how to connect with the computer.

Assembly language is not my thing. C is about as low level that I will go. So the combination I have is c, ruby and web development. I think I am happy with this. Ruby is good stuff. C is low level and I can get it. Compared to c++, c I can digest better. C++ is like, too spicy for my taste.

Maybe one of these days, I can go back to cpp and understand that better. What happened there? I think it had something to do with the new page. I can test that later on again.

I saw red riding hood last night. Nothing new with hollywood movies. They need to branch out more. They treat their audience as kids. Matrix was something else. Why not make movies like that?

Is it the writers? I don't think so. It is this wanting to make money that makes the movies less than better than they should be. So be it. This is all connected and things happen for a reason.

I don't write as fast or efficient as I did before. I haven't been writing for some time now. This is the second instance that I write since I started writing again yesterday.

Why did I stop? Can't remember exactly, but there were too many stuff on my plate. I was thinking i'd do them tomorrow, the writing, but never got around to doing them. This time, I see that. I see the choices that I make. I will make choices that are in alignment.

As usual, I will post these after I finish them. Three pages with size fourteen font is still pretty big. They take up a lot of space after I upload them. I don't think it will help if I increased the font some more. Maybe I can edit them after I finish. Surely this will thn out a bit after I edit these or polish them.

I don't like going to odesk anymore. I don't think it's the kind of business that I want to get into. Lots of fakers in there. The energy is that of want.

But this is my reflection. Maybe this is who I am. I think there is too much want in me, that I experience want on the outside. So be it then. At least I am aware of this now. I can move forward from here.

One more page after this. I changed my desktop background. I think I change them once a week. When I see a picture I like on the internet, I switch. This way, I get something new each time. It's like connecting to that me that is already there. Too complicated? I think so. This is what came out. I write it down. No need to edit.

Even if things got unreadable, I still write and avoid editing. This is the practice. This is what it is all about. This is not about writing for the audience. This is simply writing practice.

The intention here is to connect to that source of flow. That is where creativity is. Creativity is right here and now. No need to go to the future or the past. Creativity doesn't get taught. It flows forth.

The teacher might help, but only in a zen way. The student and the teacher is one. There is no separation. Once you see it differently, they there is separation. There is no more connection. There is no creation. There still is creation. But it is tainted with negative energy.

It is all connected. Because consciousness is. It is like += in programming. And it is not. It depends on how you see it. I just made an edit there. There was wrong spelling. This is part of the writing practice then, even if I were to make edits.

It is allowing. Then I can move on from there. I see this as a process? I think so. So be it. I can save this now, but I am almost done here.

I just saved it. The thing is, when the timing is right, then things will happen by itself. When the timing is not right, no matter how hard you try, nothing happens. It is all about reflection. That is when the timing is right.

Right now, this is where I should be. I am editing again. I saw that happen. I did not work out today. I am recuperating my ankle. It got injured the other day. It is the third day today. I can go ride tomorrow. It is saturday tomorrow.

The weekend is here. I think I just be open to what is, and everything will fall into place. No need for beauty. Go for form?

thursday cloudy

I am feeling so overwhelmed learning how to code. I feel like I am a late comer to the race and that everyone else is already halfway there.

I am going to take a one hour break when my eldest daughter gets home. When I feel like this, I get the message that it is time for me to
take a break. That I have been at this for some time now. In fact, I have been going at this for some time now. I woke up at six thirty,
and soon as I had free time, I was doing this already.

This is what i do day in and day out. instead of playing poker, i teach myself how to code. this gets exciting, but when i have been doing this for hours, it gets drab. it has been cloudy all day. it hasn't rained though. my daughter is learning how to borrow dvd's. it's one dollar day and she can borrow a dvd that she might want to watch. she can return them tomorrow. or before the weekend.

she's smart. i am proud of my kids. not that they are living the life i did not. i am happy for who they are. each one is different. i feel like i am tito rome. although i am not alcoholic or abusive to my family, i feel like i am not contributing, or pulling my own weight. but i am. i take care of the kids. i do housekeeping.

plus i am building a busines. this is for future cash flow when wife retires. but it is in the future. bring it here now. this is where everything is. i am going to post this to the blog. is there auto capitalize here? i think i can find a function like that. is there? i don't know, but if there is, this is going to be an awesome too for writing.

there are not a lot of things in here and i can write. but it is all from the inside. the flow will come. no need to direct the writing. it jsut cmoes. i am not comparing myself to others. i do tend to do that. but i am different. our paths are different. i think i can make this editor work like gedit at least.

there has to be like spell checker or something like capitalize. i can look that up after i finish these. i will post these to my blog after i am done here. one or three lines. no three lines at least, then i move to the next paragraph. from there. i think i will have a good enough blog post. three lines to a paragraph is good enough. like this one. two lines is ok. it is going to be a short paragraph.

is there autocorrect? i don't know. i think that one is possible. maybe someone has done something like that. it is possible. just give them a list and see where that one comes in. i think i can make one of those, if i wanted to. that is something that is also in the path. where is this going anyway?

i don't know. all i know is that it is interesting for me. no need to have expectations. just be open. all i know is that this is interesting for me. i can do ruby, but it's like not enough. nodejs plus coffeescript hits the spot just right. it is challenging enough and i am learning at the same time. i feel like i am learning something that's interesting and worthwhile.

so where do i got o next? just write. when the kids get here, i go out for a walk. wife gets home late today. i already had my nap. i can have late lunch later on. walk is good. it is a bit chilly outside. i don't get to write as often anymore. this gvim is a good text editor. i do all my writing with this.

i write for morning pages using these, then i use these again for programming and stuff. it is basic, but extensible. i can put in a lot of functions that i will use. not like word. this is like a personalized swiss army knife. it is compact enough but i cna put it to good use. i am aching to get done with tis.

inside out



Poker... I had a good run up today. This is variance. The winrate was sideways all of last week. Then it broke out of congestion. I see this when I trade the forex market. So how is this related? How can I use that when I play poker?

It has something to do with variance. All that time the winrate was sideways, I was on risk control. If I don't have a big hand, I don't want to make the pot big—folding often. While I am doing this, I am always buying the pot at a discount. This gives the impression that I am aggressive and bluffing at pots all the time, almost.

Other players might think that I often play loose and not care. That I am fish. This is why everyone IS fish. There are no particular player who is fish. Someone you do not know is fish. Specially if you win a big pot from them.

But looking at the big picture, they too are going through their own process. The key to making good is that you play well. It doesn't matter that you lose the pot. What is important is that you do not lose your stack.

This is also why you need to have a big stack when playing. It is seldom, rather, it doesn't happen all the time that you have a big hand and villain wants to make the pot big with you. But when the planets are lined up, you will want to have a big pot with you. This more than makes up for those times when variance is on the low tide. When the tide do comes in, you want a big net to catch as many fish as you can.

I have been home all day. Next week, i'd like to spend time for myself. This is not how I want to spend my weekend. I'd rather be riding outside. This is how I see myself doing. It's already dark. I can go out and go for a walk after dinner. They are going to go on skype with mother in law. I'd rather do something else.

I can set up skype for them and get that ready. When they do start talking, I can do something else. What about tomorrow morning? Why not ride out tomorrow? They are going to church anyway. I can go back and do something when they are back.

Like I can ride to devonport. It doesn't have to be a sprint training. Just get out there and enjoy the ride. Wife is going to be at home when they get back from church. I can go to the gym after breakfast. That'd be nice. By the time I get home, it's lunch time. She leaves some time around four or six.

I think I can make good time riding tomorrow. What else is there for me to do? I can go to takapuna and enjoy the flea market. There's so much to see there. I enjoy going there. I can leave the bike some place there. I can ride the bike tonight, but it'd be cool just to walk under the moon. I think we are getting the full moon tonight.

a lot of "i don't likes"



I have a lot of resistance this morning. I see that I have a lot of I don't wants, and that I am focusing too much on them. It gets me out of the light. And now it's almost 11am and I haven't done much of the things I want to do. I put the family first and I resent that.

I want to have more time to do more of the things that I like doing. Like ride my bike, play poker. Words get in the way, but it's the vibration that I am after here. I just write. To let the flow through. This is what I am doing. It doesn't matter what I write, whether they make sense or not.

The intention here is the flow. Write words that don't match, it doesn't matter. Nobody is reading these anyway. This is part of the Synchronicity that is all around me. So I write. Not knowing how this will turn out. I just write. Rather, I just walk in this path. There is that attitude of what am I going to find on this path. I don't think that's expectation. It is more like being open to what is.

Have to write three pages. I just write one page. This gets the juices working. If I go beyond one page, then it is because it is interesting and that the flow is there. If I don't feel like writing, then one page is more than enough for me. This is the practice.

Most of the time, I write because I am not feeling good. This is more an outlet. When I am feeling good, I don't know if I am writing that much. But it has come to my attention that I do want to write and vent when I don't feel to be in the light.

So I write. I am also learning the ruby programming language. It caught my interest. I was walking down this path a year ago, found it too difficult back then and switched to python. I went as far as django, as far as I can go with python, then I lost interest. I wasn't doing what I wanted to do with it. I was hitting a wall. And I decided to stop.

This time with ruby, I understand what object oriented means. I have a better grasp of some of the concepts I couldn't understand with python. So there is a renewed interest in learning this new language.

I don't know how far this will take me, or what I can do with it. For now, it is enough for me to know that I am interested in it and that I want to learn more about it.

end of winter?



I don't know what to do now. The kids are fighting. It's like four against one. The one was making food for everyone else and was taking too long. So they must have picked on her and now she's crying. And now the tv is off for one hour as a consequence.

Anyway, I am making roast pork in the oven. It cooks at 150 for three hours, it'd be ready at 7pm and wife is on her way home by then. I'd like to show the new friend around the house. I think I owe her that. Otherwise, I think it's only proper. If she declines, then so be it.

This rss ticker thing, it's loading up a lot of feeds all the time. It takes a lot just to see all of them, and it's just the pictures I am after. Do I really want what they are publishing?

Not all of them. There are a few that I want to see. Picture blogs are great. Like copenhagen cycle chic. The others, not as good. Mine isn't there yet. That's fine. I can get there. It's just a camera. I can work with that when I get there.

ok. the kids are now having their pancit. That's what I promised them yesterday. They are going to have another pack tomorrow. It's on sale, two packs for five dollars. I wonder why it is for sale? I think paknsave has a sale. So countdown also wants a sale.

Considering that paknsave is cheaper, countdown has a lot of customers around the time school lets out. There was so many people going into countdown earlier. I meet the kids in there. I don't have to walk up the road to meet them. That is acting out of fear. I don't have to. I can act out of love, out of allowing, and know that everything will happen that needs to happen. No need for fear.



Fearful thinking has been a habit for me. I think I learned that from my wife. Now I am aware of it. I am not choosing that anymore. I would rather be at peace. I would rather be in the light.

Fear thinking is from the brain. It's logic. I am in the brain mode. Whereas love is from the heart. When I find myself in fear, or anxiety, then I see that and get to choose. It becomes an opportunity for me. I choose to be in the heart. The heart is quiet. It is peaceful. Then the heart and brain work together. The brain starts to think in the light—positive thoughts.

I had that insight earlier today. I was reading conversations with god and that insight came through. One of the kids is upset because I turned off the tv on her turn. It was rude of her to label the other one as lazy when she is doing all the cooking.

Anyway, this is how it is. At least the tv is quiet now and they can do something else. The broadband technician did not come. I am going to have to give them a call again tomorrow. The dsl light came on a while ago. Now it's off again. I wonder why they did not come?

Maybe they were outside and fixed the box on the street. When they saw that working, they should have called. That's to check if my connection is already up. But I did not have a call.



It's still early in the day. They might be working on it as we speak. I hope so. This way, the other internet can go to the kids' computer and I don't have to use them. I shouldn't be charged anything if the internet access is down. That's life.

I found that when I changed the plan and upgraded, I think they made changes in there. There is a big oki truck outside. I wonder which house that one goes to.

I am playing poker in a moment. The big truck goes to the neighbor. They are a young people next door. Party people? Probably not. Just young people. I was there once. But after college, I wasn't in there quite yet. I was working in sales. It was tough.

Anyway, time to move forward. I gained something in the process. I am moving forward from there. I still have the internet up. I can do something else I had coke while the kids have pancit. That's the rule here.

Am I being selfish? No. I am attending to myself. This is how I take care of myself. I attend to the kids. I put them first, but sometimes, I need to put myself first when their needs are already met.

first full day in the new home



I am scared. I don't know how things are going to turn out from here. I get uncomfortable in situations like this. I don't know which way to go. The only thing I know is to choose the light. To go into the light. In any given situation, given a fork in the road, I choose the light.

Sometimes it is going to look like the lame choice. It always is darkest before light. I see that. But still the fear lingers. Why do I feel this? What is the definition? That I do not know how things will turn out. That I might be on the underside of this and feel sorry about it.

Still, it shows me more. At the least, the situation is going to show me what my definitions are. Why can't things be just easy? Why not be easy sailing? Because this energy is going to shift soon and may never come back. By going through this now, I am putting it all on the table.

Is that my definition? Somewhat. It is like the video games you play. You have to go through challenges to gain the required experience. When you have it, definition and being comes into light.

This is the holy trinity... definition, experience, being.

And how is this connected with my fear?



My being is in fear. I see the experience as a reflection. There is a definition there. What is the definition? That I am not an equal. If I am not equal to that, then I am not equal to my true self. Be in the light. See the anxiety. It's like david facing goliath. It brought forth all the fear inside. Instead of fighting the fear and facing goliath, david chose to be in the light. By being in the light, he saw opportunity and struck.

It is not about your circumstance. The circumstance is there only to show you that you can choose to be in the light. This is how you are equal. Do I need to be on that other side of the fence? I must have been in there in a parallel earth. Right now, I am experiiencing it.

This is the stage that I am going through. I don't know how this will unfold. I don't have to know that here and now. What I do know is that, when the time comes, I will know what to do. Just be in the moment, be in the light. Choose the light.

That choice, is the greatest power in the universe.

So how do the masters do it?

They go to the light. Then they know what to do when they need to know it.

My son just came in the room making me an offer. He wants a full cup of sprite in exchange for his remaining chocolate bar. Who can resist that.



There was this korean couple who came to look at the house. They found out I had four kids. The wife said I was a wealthy person. Not rich, wealthy.

I liked what she said. I said thank you in return.

It showed me something. That I already have that state of being. There is no need for outside riches. It makes things easy, but sometimes, easy is not the best way to go. There are other ways up the mountain.

Why am I waxing philosophy this time? I don't know. I just write down whatever comes to mind. This time, this is what is coming out. Some are direct feed. The others are the local mind musing.

There is a part going on next door. I didn't know they were college kids? It looks like they are young adults. I don't know how this is going to turn out. All I know is that this is where I am.

I don't know where I am going. I don't even plan anymore. Years ago, I found out that plans don't work. I follow my Synchronicity and everything falls into place.



How to follow Synchronicity? Just act on your excitement. Point downstream. Choose to be in the light. These are what I do, these are what I choose when I find myself in a fork in the road. I do have to force myself to choose the path that's unknown to me. And this is where I am right now.

thursday 11.01pm



I am having second thoughts about this new stake... again.

The backer rolled me for 10NL zoom, one hundred dollars. We split profits fifty fifty and there's makeup. The deal is good for 250,000 hands. What gets me is that it's a no lose situation for them. How soon can I play higher stakes?

I am thinking I have enough bankroll to play this level. The resources they have in their website isn't that good anyway. I get better stuff on the internet. Also I teach myself and I learn stuff.

It's just a question of how much are you willing to lose. If you can afford, rather, if you are after ego gratification and don't mind losing money, then you can be as aggressive as you want.

If you are after building up your bankroll, then you are after minimizing risk and protecting your bankroll at all costs. I think I have the basic foundation to winning poker. I just need some time.



Here's what I am going to do. I am going to play this stake and see how it goes. In the meantime, I am going to find ways to get a credit card. Why not just play your own? You are ahead anyway.

It's going to add a blemish to my record with the community. This is the third stake. I let this go, and I am completely done with staking. No longer will I go in there and look for one.

Or I can finish this. Play as many tables as I can, play as many hands, it doesn't matter how things will turn out. Just finish the stake deal, then get on with my life.

How long will it take? About three months. I think I can make that work. What else is there? I think I can do many things at the same time. When I finish the stake, I will have enough vip level to make good with the bonus. I can then resume with my own bankroll.

It's the weekly bill that concerns me. But is the stake the solution to that? I don't know. It's an unknown to me. Then do the best you can and see where this road leads to.



I can't tell what's going to happen ahead of time. All I know is that this is a business and that I am going to see where this road takes me.

I don't have to get a job. I am already doing my job. So what now? Just play. No expectations. It is the expectations that's going to get me. Just play, enjoy the process. If my way doesn't make money, then they will end the agreement.

Maybe I should go for that. Go do what I do best and look forward to them cutting the deal. Letting me go. I think I can do that. I have a winning method in place. All I need to do is to put in the hands. Then I do hand history review, update my notes.

I think I have something going there for me. I will do that. It takes time, but I will get to the other side. I finish this deal, then decide when I get there. It will take three months or so, but that's how it is. There is soemthing here for me. It's a present. Let's see what that is about.

I don't have to be the best horse in the stable. I just need, choose to be the best I can be and enjoy the process. That's the gameplan for me.

I also go out and have a good time. I can ride my bike. This will help in some ways. I can do that as well. I will play more hands tomorrow. After each session, do I do my hand history review?



no. I can do that at the end of the day. That is the most productive thing I can do to improve my game. I have resources out there. The 2p2 community is one of the best that I can go to. I will do that.

There's a lot of things I can do to improve my game. From here on, it is all about enjoying the process. I don't have to know how things are going to fall into place. No expectations. Just be in the moment. Be in the here and now.

I am not being duped here. They too, are playing at risk. If I don't do my stuff, then they do not need other players. It's the perspective that they are after. They want your perspective, your part of the puzzle. This way, we all get something from the process.

ok. this settles it then. I can go to bed with a good vibration. I can live with that. What else ist ehre to write about? Kids are getting ready for bed. I just want to write morning pages and I can go to bed.

I am starting day one tomorrow. I want to do yoga again. I stopped somehow. Wife doesn't want the bike inside the house. That's ok. She's just kidding. She knows how much I love that bike. I can go through the backdoor and bring up the bike through the kitchen.



The tires are not going to make a mess. It's going to be free from mud. I can resume riding at night again. I can get a bike light for myself. I can get that one from avanti.

But why would I want to ride at night. Maybe I can get stuff for the bike this time? I can get schwalbe tires and front rails and bags. I think I have enough money there.

But what about the other bills? Do I really need them now? I think I just need the lights. I need one where I can use rechargeable batteries. Where to get them? I don't know. But they are good for one year and you need to get new ones.

And it's cold. Do I really want to ride at night? I think I know the answer to this already. Why not get those bags? I don't need new bags. Maybe just the handlebar bag. That's cheap enough and I can use them when I ride out. I think I know where I am going tomorrow.

Do I withdraw the money now?

thursday doing yoga




I can't seem to access my tumblr account. I reset the password, and even with that, I can't get in. anyway, the site is probably down. I am going to do yoga today. I am thinking of alternating yoga days and gym days. I am still going out for a ride, later after yoga, maybe after eating something.

Today is day six. I feel good. I made changes in my attitude playing poker. This time, I did not care much about the outcome. I have been playing more than two years. If I stick with the gameplan and not care about the outcome, my win rate goes steadily up.

If I were to focus on the outcome and be so anxious whether I win a big hand or not, I tilt, and I stay in the negative much longer. I also decided to reactivate my holdemmanager. Pt4 has a number of issues. I don't want to deal with that now. Hm1 is working. Path of least resistance, use that.

Right now, I am exporting hands from pt4 so I can import them from hm1. That's a lot of initials. Anyway, I will do yoga while those are running in the background. My daughter is coming home early from school. She'll be here after lunch. I can go out for a ride then.

I'll go for a short ride this time. Maybe an hour or two. I am going to eat something after yoga. I am starting to get hungry. But first, I do morning pages. I just turned on the heater. It takes a few minutes to warm up. The bruce street rental is not going to push through. This gives me more time. I can drag my feet on this. I see that now. I don't have to actively look for houses for rent. This house is good for now. The only reason wife wants to move is so the kids can move to a “better” school.

In my opinion, it doesn't matter which school they go to. It's not the school. It's the student. Right now, all my kids are doing good in school. If kyla will get admitted there, then so be it. We might move for a while, and after she gets accepted, we can move some place else.

If you ask me, i'd rather move to the city, across the harbour bridge. There's a lot of places for me to explore on that side. There's also a lot of rides waiting for me here. It doesn't really matter where I live then. It's me. It's all up to me.

I did not listen to bashar this time while playing. I wanted to tune in on myself while playing. Get the habit of choosing what I prefer and it will take care of itself. It is cold today. The kids are going on term break starting saturday. Tomorrow is their last day. That's two weeks of action around here. I might lay low off poker while they are here to avoid tilt.

Should I charge adelle for her daughter being here? I think she can't afford it spiritually. She makes more money than I do, but I am giving more spiritually. There's the difference. It's not about religion. It's about energy. It's about frequency.

Not that one is better than the other. It's just different. No judgement. Maybe I can set up the tent while they are on break. We can sleep over in the tent to test how things go. I can go for a staking agreement, but that takes a lot from me.

I am making a thousand hands per session now, on average. That is going to up my points system. On that note, I still haven't received that jumper I ordered from pokerstars. They are starting to save up on shipping costs? I think so. They are making so much money, why are they treating their customers this way.

If I moved my game to a stake agreement, there are fewer players and I may have to play less tables. I'd rather look for a stake with pokerstars. This way, I am always on the go. No need to wait for tables.

I have been playing for more than two years and I am still in 2nl. This is what frustrates me. Now I am aware of what frustrates me. Should I go for a stake? If it wasn't for the money, I wouldn't go for a stake. Will I get better that way? I don't know.

For now, hm works better than pt4, I think. I can do my hand analysis from hm1. I will just import hands everyday. This way, I am going to spend an hour on hand study and analysis. This I can do everyday.

It takes a while to move hand history. This is because I am playing so many hands. I will do yoga now.

sunday was ok




I am considering not playing on weekends. Plenty of fish that will call to river, or attempt to steal on the turn. Maybe I need to step up my game, play less tables on weekends.

How few is less? Maybe four tables, then grow from there. That way, I can pay attention more. But the reason I play more tables is to get more numbers. The more hands that I play, the less the variance. The variance tends to peter out that way.

One more thing, ps client has changed the client software and now I am able to play the maximum 28 tables. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I am going to start experimenting with it... to play with it. This might amp up the number of tables that I play.

I am back to almost break even. Do I play tomorrow? I want to play more with my bike. I am on low carb for the next ten weeks. I am motivated to work out. Today is day two. I weighed in at 91.10 kilos. That's pretty cool considering that I have been eating a lot these past few days.

My target is 20 kilos off, or elise's birthday, whichever comes first. If I stick to straight low carb ketogenic diet, I think I can go through woosh. That will help me lose pounds sooner. I am also doing long rides. That helps a lot.

I am considering going to the city during the week. The only problem with that is that I gotta get back home fast as I need to get the kids from school and feed them. It's the last week of school and we have a two week term break.

I don't know how this is going to turn out. I can still work out while they are at home. I can even go do yoga early in the morning. Wife can leave without me anyway. Do I go early to the gym?

I think that is possible. I can finish at around ten am and be home then. Kids breakfast? I'm not sure what to make them, but in the meantime, I can choose to go to yoga on thursday morning and see what happens. The only thing to consider here is the weather. It tends to get cold.

It's not as cold this time. Last year was cold. I remember doing yoga with the oven on and open so it gets warm. Or I am now more adapted to the cold weather. Why not take the kids camping while on term break?

Where to go? It's going to cost about five dollars each night to go camping with them. Or we can probably do that with the wife. We will need a tent though. It is going to get cold. We can do the camping with the car. This way, we can bring all the stuff we will need to get warm.

I think that is possible. Where can we go camping then? I don't know yet. Long bay has a campsite. I think we can go camping there. Also is the waitakere ranges. We can also go camping there and hike at the same time. It is a considerable ride from here, but might be worth it.

We will see what happens. This way, I don't have to play poker on weekends. Or I can play, but play less tables. I can do that. I can learn something when I zoom in. 24 tables and I am on autopilot.

This is because I want to play with less variance, by doing more hands. It's not this or that. It's this and that. Otherwise, there is going to be just one player. There is no one method that will make money. Right now, I am just going through another dry spell. It's a bummer this way.

This is something that every player has to go through. I am doing my low carb. I am going to start feeling better soon. And it will show in the reflection, in the experience that is reflected back to me.

No need to wait for that. Just BE in the moment. That is the key for me. I wasn't in the moment when I am on tilt. I am looking to the past and to the future, and not finding what I am. I see that now. I am writing and this is my outlet.

Do I go to the gym tomorrow? Yes. Yes I am. It is good to go to the gym. I get to have some sun, see some nice ladies working out, and I get to ride my bike. I am also on my weightloss regimen. I am looking forward to that. I am shifting already. This is what the shift is about.

The ego can accept small changes here and there. This is how I shift. I am learning still, more like seeing more of the light. When I see the light, everything is good.

The intention is no longer to have success, but to find alignment. Success is a relative term. It is comparing with the joneses. Whereas finding alignment is, I already have everything that I need. If it is something that I do not have, it is a matter of looking into the definition.

Like I do not have the success of the contemporary corprate executives that I know, but I am able to live my life the way I want to. They are saving up for that for the future. I am living that way now.

Their salary can buy them toys, I am able to play with and enjoy my toys whenever I want to—my bike. I ride my bike each day and I enjoy it.

The corporates can buy more expensive bikes, but seldom have the time to enjoy them. I have a grand time riding my bike to the gym. When I get there, I see some nice ladies while I work out.

I have a great family. I have great kids. I don't own a house, but we live in a nice neighborhood, and we live in new zealand.

The corporates do not have this. Not that I am better. I am only different. This is how I find my excitement, by finding the definitions that I have and finding alignment...being in the light. This is what life is about for me. Is this living a lie? no. I don't think so. If it's not interesting enough, I don't do it. Getting a job is not that interesting enough for me.

auckland western motorway cycle way

cycle chic


Nothing is working right on the internet. That tells me it's time to write. I haven't finished morning pages for today... as well as for yesterday. There's one hour to wait before dinner. I have enough time to write, and post these when I finish.

Wife and three kids are in the living room watching tv. I just discovered ghostery. It's a firefox add on that let's me browse the web without being tracked. Firefox, I think has something like that, but ghostery is more comprehensive. It gives me options as to which trackers to block. This helps make my browsing more anonymous, and not get tracked so much.

Not that I am paranoid about it. I just like it to be less information out there when I am on the internet. It's not a full body armor, but it's enough to cover the vital parts.

I played poker two sessions today so far. I am playing thousands of hands each day and I am breaking even. That's good news. I am improving, investing on my meta game, and earning points. One of these days, everything is going to fall into place.

The thing is, I am in the someday state of being. That's the issue. I am aware of that now. Instead, I prefer to bring everything to here and now. So I am going to be in that state of being that I already am the person that I want to be.

Be that which you seek today.

I had that insight shortly after I finished reading the secret. Somehow, things were connected and everything was accelerating from there. I discovered bashar shortly after we got to new zealand. From there, everything just started happening.

I am learning a lot. I am discovering a lot of things. I am enjoying that. Not that I understand everything, but when the timing is right, I understand. I see what the thing is about.

Sometimes, I don't know what comes in. I just allow them to be. I did not ride out today. There was grocery, then junk food session, then wife wanted to play boxhead and we took a nap. When I got up from bed, it was almost four. Not enough to get around for me.

I am mapping a shorter route to the city. I am going tomorrow. I found a route that goes through established cycle routes. These were not shown in google maps. I found the map in auckland transport. The cycle route cuts the google maps route by almost half. Total route is shorter by more than a third, I think.

The google maps route that I had goes around the motorway and through the suburbs. The auckland transport cycle way route cuts through all that and follows the motorway and goes straight to the city.

I think auckland transport made it that way to encourage more people to ride their bikes to work. I am enticed myself to get a job just so I can cycle that much everyday. I have the answer, rather the insight to that already. Why not just ride going to the city everyday? Why not get a laptop, then play poker when I get to the city while taking a break.

I can play two or three hours in the city, probably in the library, and when I finish, I can ride the bike going home again. That's going to be a good ride for me. There is an aut gym in the city. I can even go there. That's a great idea. I will go look that up.

I can go everytime I need to go to the gym. That's going to be a cool ride for me. I may need to bring my bike tire pump, but it's going to be a cool exploration ride. By the time I get there, it's going to be a two hour ride or so. I think the aut in the city is in manukau?

no. there is another one. Soon as I finish this, I will look it up and see where that one is. I think they have three branches in auckland. That'd be cool. I'd love to live in the city, but since I am not there, that means that this is connected.

Bashar said that unconditional love doesn't mean letting everyone else run over you. I understand that. This time, I will know how to go about this situation.

There are a lot of bashar tapes that I have and can listen to. Sometimes, they go around in circles. They do not fit into my phone memory. If they did, i'd be listening to them all day.

I can get a better phone soon or late. Things are getting more evident for me. We are headed into the finish line. Are things going to still come up for me? I am getting the insight that whatever comes, surrender and be open to the unknown. They will only show me more of who I am.

I am open. The ego mind, the local mind wants to be more in control. That's not possible. Everything is a reflection. I can change the man in the mirror, but not the reflection. What to do tomorrow?

I will finish mapping out the route via the cycle way and soon as I finish the morning chores, I am out towards the city. It might take about forty kilometers round trip. This time, I know when to take a break. I will take more breaks this time to ease up crotch pain.

I think I can handle it this time. Tomorrow is also day one for me. I can bring some foods that I can eat. Low carb foods. That's going to be an exciting ride.

Forecast for tomorrow is bright and sunny. I can make it there. I can be back by around six pm. That is going to be a cool ride for me. Flats? I can handle that. I can even report that the city council clean up the roads. I think they will do that.

I feel like I moved to cycling heaven. It's not copenhagen, but the intention is there. It's going to shift into that. How to get more people on bikes? Motivation. Definition. Soon as the timing is right, everything is going to fall into place.

How would it feel if there were more people on bikes? It'd be fun. I like watching people ride their bikes. When one rides by, I stop and watch. It's like art in motion.

sunday with the family

birthday cake


It was a pretty ok day. I did not do day one as planned. Sunday. I spent time with the family. We already know what they eat. I'll get right to it tomorrow. All of them are out tomorrow, school and office. It's going to be just me and the cat.

I am going to the gym tomorrow. I will do yoga later in the afternoon, after my nap. That's how my week goes. Since I am doing this straight, I am also going to do yoga on weekends, unless it was a long ride day and I get home late, then I will not be able to do yoga.

What to eat on long ride days? Eggs. Boiled eggs. This way, I don't have to spend on anything. I can eat two boiled eggs when I take a break. Where to go? I am not sure.

I was doing research on camping in new zealand. It seems that you can't just set up a tent anywhere. You can do stealth camping, but that's like cheating someone else. I think they are judging people based on past peformance. Not good. Anyway, synchronicity will lead me. I will know what to do when I am there.

Do I ride next week? I think it is high time that I bring the bike for a check up. I can leave early in the morning, then come back after lunch. Where am I going to hang out? The wife and kids can go to the city and we can meet there.

Also, I found that the rain jacket I want is easily within reach. I can spend for that. I think I have enough room in my finances for that. I can and will use that during winter when I go out for a ride. It is good for my riding. I don't have to get pants for that, but that will come in handy in the future. For now, the jacket is more important.

How am I going to do that? Be tight in the coming days. Also, the poker business is helping out. I lost track of my intentions. It is only an opportunity to play well, nothing else.

I am trying to reach to this goal that is out there, not here and now. I realized that. I now am just playing well. Rather, choosing to play well right here, right now. That is all there is to it anyway.

Also, not to care if I lose a pot or not. Not caring about the outcome is playing well in the moment. Not having expectations is playing well in the moment. This is the game plan for me.

Whether it is going to work out or not, I do not care. At least I feel better when I am playing this business. That is the intention. This is the direction that I am doing.

I brought wife and kids to the lake pupuke park that I frequent. I love that park. There are plenty of birds in there. I wonder if wife finished the fish I had left over. I think she threw everything away, so there's no more fish.

Oh well. We can go there again in the near future. At least I spent time with them this time. I think wife is happy. But you see, that is conditional. Not judging, but merely pointing out and showing my observation.

Am I that way? When she is judging me, am I judging back? I think so. This is what is brought up in me. Am I going to be a better teacher this way? I have no plans on being a teacher. We teach by the clarity of our example.

Moving forward, I haven't done morning pages just yet today. I usually write when I have spare time. Right now, I am waiting for dinner to happen. Not that I am going to have a lot to eat. I am still full. I don't think I want to have a heavy dinner this time.

I am going to sit down, and have some coke while they eat. I am not really hungry. I am glad to be already on my way. I finish, rather take a break on my daughter's birthday. I would rather be finished by then.

Losing two kilos a week, I am going to be finished by then. So be it then. This is going to be the homestretch. I have been doing this for more than three or four years now. I keep reverting back. I see that. I am aware of that now. I am moving forward from here.

What is different this time? Simply, how I respond to the situation. What if the wife invites me to have lunch? Explain to her that I am going, rather choosing to finish this right now. I can accompany her, but I am not going to eat anything. If so, then we are not going to have lunch outs in the meantime.

Only for the next three months. After that, when I finish this, we can meet everyday if she wanted to. I am giong to be that person now. No need to walk the path. No need for the process to be. I am.

There's a difference there. It gets tough as you are in the process. But when you are in that state of being of I am, then everything else reflects that. This is what I am doing now. This is who I am.

I am writing on page three. Am I going to the library tomorrow? Only if wife wants to. I want to get that jacket tomorrow. How? I am going to the city in saturday morning. Then I get back soon enough. Or I can bring the car with the wife. If she wants to. But i'd rather ride the bike.

I haven't been to the city on bike. It will be interesting. It's a long ride. I will have crotch pain when I get back. Maybe I should have longer rest periods. I think wife is going to do grocery by herself this time around.

Is there a workaround here? What if I rode tomorrow instead? I leave soon as the kids leave for school. What time I get back? Two hours to get there, I get there before lunch. I need to be on the way back immediately when it finishes.

How will my butt handle the ride home? I am going to get crotch pain that way. Why not leave the bike with them? That is one option. There are other options.

I will sit on this and think about it. I will know what I need to know when I need to know it. If it is not there, then the answer could already be there, or I don't have to go.

sunday easy

bike tour in the tropics


How long will it take to cycle across new zealand? I'm not sure. I'd give myself six months. That's plenty of time already. If I were to do that, where am I going to get money to support myself?

I have thirty bucks coming in every week. I think that is more than enough.

Who is going to take care of the kids? That's the big question. Wife is going to need assistance with that. This is why I want to go alone on christmas. When else is there another long stretch of holiday? I don't know.

The christmas break looks like enough, but it's not really. I can only do one stretch... either the north island or the south. Why not break it down and make it two? I think that's possible as well.

I just want to go out and ride. But from where I am now, I am not doing much. Tomorrow, I will ride to the city. Rain or shine? Yes. What to eat? There is that meat I have cooking in the oven. I can have that. There is also eggs.

I think the meat is more than enough. I can save that for tomorrow's trip. That is more than enough for two meals. What about wife? She's not in the mood. Not my job to make her happy.

She got upset last night when I told her that we can't make it to the rotorua trip on august. Her friend invited us as they, the friend's church group was going and had one planned in august.

I was excited about it, but after thinking it over, I don't think we can make the trip. The first symptom for me was that to ride there and back, it is going to take a lot from me and I wouldn't be spending time with the family given the short period of time.

The second signal was that wife said that the family budget was short and we may have to tighten things up a bit. When I hear that, I go on stealth mode. I hardly buy anything for myself.

This morning, I splurged a bit. I went to the takapuna sunday flea market looking for a tool I need for my bike. It's an allen key to tighten the kickstand for my bike. The allen keys that I have are too small for the one needed.

I was able to find a set, selling for seven dollars. I only had four dollars on me. I decided that I can save up in the coming days and just come back. I let it go at that and started walking around.

Then I came upon a second stall. This guy was a regular to the flea market and sold used tools. I found several allen keys of different sizes. He said that each one sold for a dollar.

I thought it was too expensive.

Looking at his inventory, I also found a small screwdriver that I can use to tighten the screws on my shades. It also cost a dollar.

So the allen keys and the screwdriver together would cost three dollars. I thought it was a good enough deal and bought them. Now I think my tool bag is complete... for the moment.

I am sure I will find more tools and get them when the need arises. Right now, I have everything that I need. I went home. I had mapped out a route to the dairy flats, north of albany. I was thinking I could ride this later in the afternoon.

After gym, I went home, and felt that I did not have the motivation to ride anymore. Riding that 40km would be enough to make me sore tomorrow. That might mean me having to postpone the city ride on monday.

I'd rather do the city ride and miss the dairy flat ride. I decided to stay home. Not soon after, wife and kids were back. It seems she brought the kids to takapuna and spend some time in the beach. She bought them fish and chips for lunch.

Since they did not go swimming, the kids were naturally bored. They wanted to go home. That's why they were back so soon. I was thinking that they'd be away for a much longer period of time.

One of my daughters boguht a soda in can. She also wanted to create the soda can stove herself. I think it's good that she is interested in these things. I have good deposits with this one daughter. I think I have that in all my kids. Keep it up.

I try not to control them. I let them decide for themselves. Sometimes I do not agree, but I always trust that they will decide what's best for them. I just give examples on how to go about things. As they say, you teach by the quality of your example.

I seem to have sticky fingers as I write. The fingers are not so automatic this time. Am I doing yoga later? I can do that. I think I will have time for that.

I think I will. What about wife? She is going to be watching tv. I have like the starting symptoms for gout. This is why I am sticking with low carb this time. I have lost two kilos already in three days.

I think it ws the yogurt that stalled my progress. I see that now. Before, it was two kilos a week. Now it's faster than that. I am going to finish this sooner. I think this is synchronicity.

Everyithing is connected. I am losing weight faster now because I am that kind of person. I am bike and camp guy. The reflection and experience is showing that. The shift has been made. No need to make things happen.

When the shift occurs, everyithing happens easy.

four degrees C this morning



The tent was delivered earlier, but my daughter was listening to music with earphones and did not hear the knock on the door. Courier left a pick up notice. I am going to stop by their office tomorrow to pick up.

That's one down. One more to go... the pannier. And that is going to be three weeks from now. Waiting. I can go test drive the tent in the backyard. I think we have rains, rather showers coming in next few days.

What's important is that I found out how cold it can get inside the tent. Also need to test how much clothing I need overnight to get myself warm.

There's a three day ride coming up with acta. I have a tent now and I can join that. The next question is, how much to get there if I am going by carpool, and how much will it cost per day on the ride.

That is one primary consideration for me, the cost of riding per day. Otherwise, I can just go out this weekend and ride wherever and camp where I need to. It's just the fence that I am thinking about. That's the issue.

I was going to play poker with half an hour to go before pick up the kids from school. But then again, it will take half an hour to get settled in with the number of tables that I play. I'd rather do morning pages, then play after the kids get home.

I had an easy morning session this time. Yesterday was tough, and so were the other days. I played close to five hundred hands last night, inching my way up. Near five hundred, I had two big hands, big pots that I lost.

Part of doing business, I know, but it hurst as well. I was resisting, that's why it hurt. It was very cold this morning, four degrees celsius. Coldest so far. It's going to be like this a lot of mornings.

I wake up early the last few days. I think I can do yoga mornings instead of making time for it in the evening. This way, I can do yoga everyday. I am running low on fruits. I was thinking of taking a break today, then do day one tomorrow.

That's how I always think when supplies are running low. I can finish the fruits today, then do low carb tomorrow. Good until my daughter's birthday. I want to finish this and get it over with. Low carb is the fastest way for me to finish this and reach my ideal weight.

I haven't tried vegan. The thing with vegan is when the family eats out, I have nothing to eat. I can finish the fruits today, the go back to low carb starting tomorrow. There's enough food in the ref for that. I think.

I can stop by the grocery tomorrow. I think there's still conrned beef, or not. I can get pork cheeks instead. And what else? I can have something else to eat. There's eggs.

This is the issue with my situation. I am going to get son from school. He's the only one that went to school in the primary kids. Two daughters did not go to school. One went to the doctor and the other one is recuperating from a cold.

I am going to take a nap later on. I always take a nap in the afternoon. It is still cold around here. I can go for a ride, but probably not. I will have to remove my contact lens, and the kids are going to be home without an adult.

I try not to leave them without adult supervision. My oldest is a teenager. If I really have to go, I leave her in charge. Otherwise, I go out when they are all in school, or I don't go out.

I haven't been out since last friday. I am going out tomorrow. I will go to the gym first, then on the way home, stop by the courier office to pick up the tent. I write a lot. I am not copywriting anymore. I just write. No expectations. I will update the blogs later on. For now, I just write and finish these.

I found a flicker group where they update pics with bike touring pictures. I love it. I have two right now that I use for desktop background. One for linux and the other one is for windows, the two OS for my one pc.

When I get tired of looking at them, I get a different one. I am going to have to revive the gloves to keep warm in the morning. They don't really keep me warm, but they help. It's best for me to put my hands under my armpit. They warm up faster that way.

My fingers right now are cold. And it doesn't even snow here in auckland. The snow is down south. I am still cooking the chirstmas wellington trip in my head. It's easier if it were just me. I want to go round via coastal roads. But if wife and kids are not going to go home in three days, costs will go up.

I am working out a general itinerary, but I am sure things will change as we move closer. I have a few resources that I can use to map out our trip. The internet is the primary resource here.

I am projecting a conservative cost of a hundred dollars per day for all of us. That's conservative. I think it is more realistic closer to two hundred, considering how they eat with junk food when bored.

Sitting in the car getting from here to there is going to be boring for them. Plus, most of the time, I am riding my bike. One of the kids will have to learn how to navigate... or I get my wife garmin.

That is the easier alternative. This is why I play poker. This is the business that is working out right now. I have been playing two years and I am still at it. I am ahead, but it's not supporting me.

I wonder how this is connected to my big picture? I am aware of that and looking for the answer.

sunday evening

beauty


That brush that I use to dust the computer area, it's gone. Everything I do seems to not work out. Copywriting didn't work. Social media manager didn't work. Trading didn't work. Now what? Riding? Diet didn't work. What the hell is happening here?

I am a failure? It's not that I am putting in enough effort. I work on it hard enough. The poker business is going nowhere. Two years and I am still at 2nl. That's going nowhere. Why is it this way?

Some people they take a moment to learn something and they take off. It's not that I am lacking in anything compared to them. I am different, but how com ei am not getting the expected results? I am judging myself here, the reality and experience that I am getting.

Am I not putting myself first? I feel like that. Like I am putting the family first. That I have nothing left for me. Why did I not ride today? I could have gone out when they went to church. Why didn't I go out?

I was having a good time playing poker. Now I see. I should hve gone out and played. I did not play. I went to work. No need to judge myself for that. I see that happening. Now I am aware of what I am doing. Time to move forward from here.

I just want this day to be over and done with. Do I play poker now? I don't want to work. I just want to do something for myself. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to spend time with the wife. I want that time in san juan when i'd go out after dinner and ride around greenhills. I enjoyed doing that.

How come I am not doing that? There is no greenhills around here and it's too cold. And there are requirements that I need flashing light. Too complicated.

I don't like it here. I wish I were back in manila. I wish I were living in san juan. Those were good times when I was riding my bike. I think the mess started happening when I had girlfriends. I think I was putting them ahead of myself. Time to move on. I see that now.

How come when I enjoy something it doesn't work out? Almost all of the business that I started did not work out. Almost all of them did not work out. What can I learn about it?

At least I am doing something that interests me. And like what the saying goes, i'd rather be a failure doing something that interests me than be a success doing something that doesn't interest me.

But really? I think so. I'd make money in a regular job, but I'd be negative there. I am not enjoying myself. The money is good, but really, i'd have reservations about it. I'd rather be like this? I am having a lot of expectations about money. I see that.

What else can I do about it? I don't know yet. The credit card said I was getting an increase in the balance, but nothing came off it.

At least I was able to order them stuff from amazon. That was good. I am moving forward from here. At least I have the tent. And when the panniers arrive, I can start overnight rides. Where to go first?

I need to ask where I can pitch a tent overnight. At first, i'd be doing that here in the backyard to get myself used to sleeping in the tent. That i'd learn how cold it can get in there. I can also join the rides with the auckland group. They have a trip coming up. I wonder if the panniers are going to be here by then.

It is going to be a long ride. I am looking forward to that. Where can I get the money for membership? The poker business can shoulder that for now. That's three days of no poker for me. When can I join the group?

I don't know yet. I still need to learn when the panniers are arriving. It said, the confirmation email, to expect that in about three weeks from now. The question is, how come the tents are coming in before the end of this week? They are both shipping from the US?

I don't know. Either they are going to be a disappointment as to when they will arrive, or they will go beyond my expectations. I don't know. I am going to be open about this and see what happens.

At least this is moving forward. What if nothing happens? It is up to me. I can change the response. I can go out for rides. The first week, I am going to sleep in the tent. No question about it. The kids can sleep in there too, but only when I am sure that it is going to be safe. What else is there to consider?

I am going to set up the tent. When it's time for bed, I go there. I have the ground cover and the sleeping bags in there. I will also have all the jacket for me. I need to lose weight. I am starting vegan tomorrow. Why not this week? Too complicated.

At least I am moving forward with this. So a whole week on the tent. See what happens. What else is there for me? Just get to the other side and see what happens. Like what? I don't know yet. Just do this. The next step is not yet evident for me. All I know is that things will happen when they arrive. So I wait. That's the next step for me.

And what else?

I finish writing this. I do three pages, then post these on the internet. Then I move on from there. I am tired of seeing websites for bike touring. I can move forward from here. The next step for me is to get the experience itself. Then I can make adjustments from there.

No replies from jorge. I did my best. It's up to him. If he can make something out of it, then good. If not, so be it. I offered something. I think these people are looking for handouts. I can't give them that right now.

gong to the gym in a moment

home


I have time to write, so I do the morning pages. I have just finished a poker session. I time it to one hour, do that four times each day. This is my job from here on. This is to raise funds for the bike tour that I am going to have.

There is a katmandu outdoors shop in albany. I can go ride over there. I seem to remember going there. I can go there today, or in the weekend. It will take an hour to get there and back. If there is not enough time today, I can go on the weekend. There'd be plenty of time for that then.

I have not been to brown's bay yet. I can get the tent and pannier from amazon. But the question is, how do I pay for the credit card? I have been down this road before. Things are different. I know things now. I am a different being than I was before.

The logic says, wait out the winter, then get the stuff. There might be some sale coming into the winter. These shops will want to unload old stuff before the spring sets in. that's when people are going to start buying stuff.

The conditions tell me that this is nto the right time. Although the opportunity is there, the circumstances do not say so. The reflection says not yet. What to do now? I also have the hospital to pay. I will get there eventually. Only thing is, I am going through contrast. I will allow this then. This is part of the process.

What else is there to write about? The spelling sometimes sucks. That's ok. No need to make edits to that. Only pay attention to what is important to you. I have a website. It will get traffic. I am going in that direction. We learn by going where we have to go. That is what I am learning now. Also, do more with less. That is the bike tourist ethic. That is how we are.

There was this one year off travelogue that I borrowed from the book. But that is not what I am looking for. The guy travelled all over the world looking for adventure. He has money and he was looking for boutique adventures. Not my thing. I think the real adventure is going out there and finding the adventure without having to pay for it. Or find means to get the adventure. Like synchronicity. That is what I am about.

Still, that is a valid experience. To them, it works. But there are a lot more people out there who will ride out. I don't enjoy going through a country on a bus on tour. I'd rather go a tenth of the country by bike and tent. That is more hands on for me. This is what works for me.

How to play poker while on tour? I can play half day, then ride the second half. I can tour the oecd countries. These will have internet connections at the end of my rides. That will allow me to play poker. Or I can stay in hotels. I don't know yet how that is going to be possible. This time around, I have the commitment. I have variance playing on my side.

I am able to keep expenses down, and the potential for home runs are always there. Sometimes they win, more times, I also get my share of the pie. The thing is, I am investing in my meta game all the time. This is why I play.

I observe other people I can go all in when this guy three bets. Then I will see how that fares. They might call with lighter hands. I see that. That is part of the equation. I will go there. There is variance. How to deal with that then? I don't know. But it will be as painful for them as it is to me.

What if they do not care about the money? Then that is the lesson there for me. How to deal with that then? I don't know yet. Just get to the other side. I get there when I get there. I post these when I finish writing, then move on to the other side.

I write everyday, almost. This is the practice. Sometimes, I need to spend more time with the writing. I have julia cameron's book, the right to write. I don't think i've read this one just yet. The other books were not as good as the artist's way. That was a classic. Is it good to have home run books like that?

Of course.

They are part of the process. This is what I am going through. It seems to be going to be a good day again today. It is cold. That's because we are going into winter. But the cold is more manageable this time. It is not as tough as before. This is alright. I can handle this.

I want to get that tent now. And the pannier. Will I be able to ride out as often? Of course I can. I am going to the gym. I am going for weekend rides. The kids can learn how to set up the tent. Wife and I can sleep in the car...

I think we can make that work. The kids can learn how to set up the tent. Where else can I get funds for that? There is the poker account. If needed, I can use the funds then start over again. The only thing that's stopping me is that I might not be able to play. That's a bummer then.

But I am being considerate and I am more aware this time. Things are different this time. I am going out soon as I finish these. I have time. No need to hurry.

I am stopping by the hospice shop. I need to text wife for the magazine money and the bread. I can stop by food town later. I am also doing yoga later on after my nap. I sleep in the afternoon. If I don't, I crash early evening. Or I go to sleep early.

That's what I am right now. I don't know how things are going to get from here to there. That's the fun part. That means that the page is blank. It is up to me how this story will unfold. If I knew what is going to happen, then there is going to be no surprise with the present. That is why it is a present. It is a gift. And you do not know what is inside the gift.

If you know what is going to happen next, where's the fun in that?

i did not go

flower tatoo


I did not go. It was the coffee breaks. I figured there'd be two coffee breaks, or at lesat one and I can do that ride alone. But it's the connection and network that matters. I know. I can find them when I go out. Besides, do I really need it?

I don't know. But I chickened out on this one. Do I want to go out tomorrow? You see, in that same amount of time, I can go out and have a grand time riding myself. Do it. I can and will go out for a ride after breakfast.

I will ride three hours, then check out the tents from at least two shops. I can and will ride to devonport later, stop by the lbs to get a spare inner tube and I am done. I can also do some shopping around for a tent. So look at the different bike shops then see what's in store.

I can do that. It's all about the definition. I write a lot. I see that. Do I really need a group to ride with? Where else can I go. I do not have money. I see. I am reacting to the reflection then. That is what's stoppeing me then. I am reacting to the reflection.

Next time, see that for what it is then move forward. I think the wife can drive me out tomorrow. I will do an easy 40 today. I think I can do hibiscus coast. I haven't been there before. Just drive down and see where that leads to. There are several uphills going there. I see that. It is a long downhill ride.

I can do that every week. Or do something else instead. But it is going to be an interesting ride. If I get a flat, then I can call my wife for a pick up. I can bring my stuff with me as well. Too much trouble, but it is part of the exploration.

I will just get me a spare, then work my way from there. I think I can buy a set of spokes, but that might not be where I want to be. It is all variance. I see that. I am also a careful rider. I will get some. But for now, it is the cash flow that needs to be worked out. What else is out there for me?

Only that I get to the other side each time. Just write. Do what interests you. Find what is exciting and go that way. ok. The first time I did aikido, it was like this. I was shy. I did not know how to do it. But people were waiting. How else are we going to move forward?

So if money were not a factor, would I go? Yes. Then I am just reacting to the reflection. I see that now. I will go tomorrow then. Wife and kids might want to go as well. I am going to have to wake up the wife early if I am going there.

If I am going, then I am also going on saturday rides as well. Then I am going to have to get a jacket and a tent. If I have those then I am going to the winter solstice ride. Then I am going to have to get a tent. This is getting expensive. Why not just ride?

This is the point. I can't go to that ride. I can still have a great time riding without being a part of the group. I can go for a destination, spend time there, then come back. I can do that. Or explore beyond albany. That is a long way off, but I have been there before. It is the rides that I am interested in. not the spending.

If that were so, why not just ride. I am writing this to get this out of my head and into paper. This way, I don't have to go around in cirles in my head. I can see it out here and I can let it go when I finish.

Do I need a group to ride with to get that state of being? no. that is clearn and easy. I do not need to join a group to get that state of being. In fact, I can go for a ride to the city, spend the day there while resting, then ride back. It is the ride back that is the killer. Maybe wife can pick up when I get there? We can have coffee then.

I think that is possible. Will she like it? Of course. But we are broke right now. That is reacting to the reflection. Then I can do something else. Like what? I can just ride around and see what happens. It is going to be a good ride though. I can look it up and see what is in there.

It is a good long ride. It is a good training ride as well. I don't have to go fast. I can go that same pace. Last time, I was trying to catch up with the family. This time, when I go there, I go on my own pace. I can take it easy.

I can go for a picnic when I get there. Then ride home. Where to get water? There are a number of fountains in the park. I can stop by for water in there. There's one in mission bay. That is going to make for a good expedition. I can it an expedition. There is that question of making it, rather of having an adventure. It is not an adventure if I know what is going to happen next.

The same with joining that group. ok. If not that group, where else can I join a group for riding? I think that is a good enough group to join for riding. Or I can save up on the money and get myself a tent. That is good and I can go out for rides already.

That is going to be good training and expeditions galore. I can do that. What else is there for me to do around here? Just ride. Get a tent, get that crate attached to the bike, then start going out for rides. It doesn't have to be a pannier. It only has to be soemthing where I can put my stuff in. the backpack is good. Then I only need a crate that I can put in there for long rides and camping.

I think we can go camping together. I think it is possible to do that. Just get to the other side each time and see what happens. Just see what happens is good adventure motto. Get out there... see what happens.

I will put that on my website?

I can do that. But it sounds incomplete. I know. What else is there for me to write about. I am a few sentences away fom finishing these pages. Just finish. I am done. One more sentence. There. Done.

You teach by the quality of your experience



I have half an hour and I go to the gym. Instead of playing poker, I write. It's stopped raining. I think the storm has passed. I am driven to learn more about adventure travel and bicycle touring. Today, I borrowed four books from the library.

I haven't finished the Lilwall book that I am reading. That's ok. It's still here with me. I don't really read all the books that I borrow. I read a few paragraphs, and if the writing doesn't grab me, I move on to the next one.

The next time that I drive my wife to work, I return the unread books to the library. As I hang out, I look around to see if there is anything there that might catch my fancy. If it does, I take it out to read later. This is why there are so many books here.

While in the library, I had an insight to travel the Philippines. This time, start from the south, then travel up north. I remembered travelling samar and leyte as a sales rep for a drug company. I enjoyed travelling by car back then. I was imagining that I can travel by bike one of these days and that I would enjoy it.

This memory came back to me while in the library. I put that in my bucket list that I am going to do a bike tour of the philippines some time soon. Not now. It is not evident how I am going to get there. One of these days, I will. So I am going to leave it there for now.

Right now, I am looking at going around the north island headed into winter. I can do weekend overnight rides. That is how I am calling them now. I leave saturday morning, ride a hundred kilometers, then set up camp. The next day, I travel back. I will have enough time to do some explorations on impulse, serendipity.

I am also having insights that I need not worry how I am going to get support for this. If this interests me, if this excites me, then I am going to get support for this. I just have to open up as to how it is going to come. When it comes, and I am supported, it will not matter from whom and where the support comes from. I will use the energy.

There are a lot of things that might crop up with this travel. I am going to open up to that energy and use that energy. I don't know how it will turn out. All I know is that if it is there, then use the energy.

I am learning a lot of things this way. The sun is out today. The kids are in school. I had a phone call earlier and I think it was the guy from fxcm australia. He might be wanting to know if I am still interested. I was driving and couldn't answer the phone. He might call later. I will leave it at that. They will leave a message if needed. If it were related to the kids, they will call my wife, then the wife will call me. So I can afford not to answer that phone call.

I am also going to trasfer money to my credit card account. This way, I too, am supported. The poker game is also a means for me to get funds going. At this time, I can get a pannier bag from amazon. I am going to look into that. I don't really need one. I can ride with a backpack, or make a bin to fit in at the back of my bike. That will be interesting.

If it is not evident how to get there, I leave it at that and see what is right in front of me. This is how I am open to synchronicity. This is what I am doing right now. I am writing. No need to see what I am writing and the writing goes faster. I get the message in my head as to where the letters are located. I can't do this with dvorak. This is why I went back to qwerty.

This is my writing and I am back to page two now. I post this when I finish, then I can go to the gym. Driving wife to work then having coffee with her takes up too much time. It is there, then use the energy. No need for judgement. If I am not able to do something, then it is not meant to be done today or at that moment. The timing will come. I trust the timing. This is how I live with synchronicity.

It is an art and more like being open and trusting that it is all connected. I remember maricar. She is pretty. I used to be crazy about her. It showed me how much I did not believe in myself. Things have changed now. If it were meant to be, then it is going to be easy and effortless. If it requires a lot of effort, then it is not meant to be. I let it go and allow what is.

This is how things have been going on in my life. If it is difficult, then I stop doing that. It has to be easy for me. Going to new zealand was easy. We got here and someone paid for our plane tickets. Beat that.

I also learned aikido—for free. I was even paid for a few months. I gained a lot from the experience. It was fun. Most of all, it was effortless. I wasn't rich, but I had a lot of money at some point in time. I was supported back then because of my excitement. I was passionate about it.

This is why I believe in this process. I have been denying myself this a few years back. I was learning it back then. Now is the time to practice. This is what I am doing right now. I practice this.

Abundance is simply opportunity. It is an opportunity to be in that state of being. It is not about having. It is about being. Everything then is reflected back to me as an experience.

If I am having fun even if I did not have the material object, then I am going to accelerate in that direction and have more of that experience. I don't know how that is, but it is what I am experiencing. I am not teaching. I can only share the experience.

This is why I can write. This is how I can blog. The quality of the experience and how you are able to relate that experience with someone is the key. There is no need for teachers anymore. Everyone is a teacher and a student at the same time. Claiming to be a teacher is detrimental to learning.

morning pages on a sunday evening

bike kiss


Wife is still watching tv. She should be making dinner now. Kids are messing around. Too much noise. I am going to divide my time between writing and playing poker. If some folks can make good money playing poker online, why can't I?

Variance is and can be a factor. I think I already know that. I think I know how to work with that as well. It is when variance hits hard that I can't deal with. I wonder what the wife is going to make for dinner. She wants me to make dinner so she can just sit and watch tv. She will claim that she has other stuff to do. But she sits in front of the tv and just watch. If she can prioritize... man, I have been here before. I don't like the feeling.

I think the weather forecast in the coming days is rain. How am I going to ride then? I can ride, but the bike is going to get wet. I can go for a run. I have done so in the past when it rains and I enjoyed doing that. Too much noise. I am not able to write. I don't want to play poker this way.

I will play four sessions of one hour each. I can commit to that. Where am I going to get time for that? I don't know. I can do that though and write the other four hours. I can prioritize my things to do and finish them when I need to do them. I don't have to write something for each of the blogs that I have.

I can write one hour for one blog. What doesn't get updated is not meant to be updated for the day. I wonder if sister in law is ever going to go online. There goes synchronicity again. I wonder if that will work again.

Synchronicity. It works. I think it is more stable this way. I tried reinstalling this on linux, it did not work. I wonder why this is so? I don't know but it should install without any problem. It did install but there were problems. It did not run. I would rather have this one instead.

I can play poker after dinner. I rode my bike to the mall. Instead of doing day one, I had carbs. But that was during breakfast. So be it then. This is supposed to be here. I am disrtacted with all the noise. Third daughter has her art stuff. She wanted one for some time. We found one in the mall. She got one. My kids get it and I did not have to work for it. This is the process that I am going through. That I am supported, and my family, even if I did not make things happen. That I am ok with this. This is what I am going through right now.

I wonder if wife is making dinner. Do I have to make that happen as well? I don't think so. Just be in the moment and see what happens. I stopped getting clients. It was easy to get clients. Finding one that I want to work with is the tough part.

I would rather work for myself. It is still being employed. I am supported anyway. I am getting financial support. I can work with that while I am building and growing up the business. Soon as it is there, then I don't have to get that anymore.

I wonder if the wife is making dinner. I don't want to have dinner late. Do I want to play poker now? I can play. I can update my blogs as well. Daughter eldest has shut down the computer.

I found this off track cycling trail near unsworth heights. I wonder if there be others. I think there are. I am going to find them when I ride some more. There are more. I am sure of it. Where else can I ask them? I can ask the group of pinoys here. I wonder if any rides a bike as well?

I don't have any response from the application I made for that cycling group. If they ride in here then good. If it is in the city, then I am going to have to get a ride from someone from around here. Rides start from 930am. That's good enough for me. The rides are slow and easy. It's not a race training ride. That's what I like about it. I am looking forward to joining that.

So far, no response. I am thinking that it is because of the weekend. I will wait until wednesday. If no response, then I will call and see what is the issue. I think it will fall into place. I think riding on sundays is a good way to spend my time. I can avoid spending time with the junk food eaters. I don't think sister in law is going to go online today.

We will see what happens later. I am doing morning pages right now. I am writing even if I did not see what I am writing here. No need to edit these. Just write. I wonder what wife is going to make for dinner. Weekends, she cooks. Monday to friday, I cook. She used to cook as well, but she has been coming home late.

This week, I think wife is going to be taking the bus. She spent a lot this weekend. I wonder why she does that. I put in my time and effort. She spends the money. I think I need a say in that. I think there is something wrong with the setup. She can't just spend just because she is directly earning the salary. I take care of the kids and do the house chores. I have a say in that.

If not, then if things get short, then it's her problem and I don't want to hear about it. She spends the money. Why should I be worrying about the budget as well. If you ask me, going to the mall should be once a month when there are extra. She doesn't see it that way. I guess this is the process that I go through.

Just do this and see what happens. I have a forex trading account but it is not active. I haven't made any trades just yet. I think it is going to go sideways. I am looking for good support or resistance before opening a position.

Besides, there is also risk reward to consider. I can check that out on monday when things start opening again. Dollar seems to be gaining strength. Trade what you see, not what you think.

That is a good rule of thumb there. I am writing. No need to see what I am writing. I wonder what the kids are watching. It is kinda quiet. I wonder if that is something I want to see as well?

Not enough good shows around here. I'd rather watch youtube videos. They are more interesting. How did it get that way? It's their fault. Writers are not being paid well. They go for cheap writers and expensive actors. It don't work out that way.

It's the industry's fault then. Why should we pay to watch or buy junk? They should have money back guarantee. Otherwise, go torrent.