four degrees C this morning

The tent was delivered earlier, but my daughter was listening to music with earphones and did not hear the knock on the door. Courier left a pick up notice. I am going to stop by their office tomorrow to pick up.

That's one down. One more to go... the pannier. And that is going to be three weeks from now. Waiting. I can go test drive the tent in the backyard. I think we have rains, rather showers coming in next few days.

What's important is that I found out how cold it can get inside the tent. Also need to test how much clothing I need overnight to get myself warm.

There's a three day ride coming up with acta. I have a tent now and I can join that. The next question is, how much to get there if I am going by carpool, and how much will it cost per day on the ride.

That is one primary consideration for me, the cost of riding per day. Otherwise, I can just go out this weekend and ride wherever and camp where I need to. It's just the fence that I am thinking about. That's the issue.

I was going to play poker with half an hour to go before pick up the kids from school. But then again, it will take half an hour to get settled in with the number of tables that I play. I'd rather do morning pages, then play after the kids get home.

I had an easy morning session this time. Yesterday was tough, and so were the other days. I played close to five hundred hands last night, inching my way up. Near five hundred, I had two big hands, big pots that I lost.

Part of doing business, I know, but it hurst as well. I was resisting, that's why it hurt. It was very cold this morning, four degrees celsius. Coldest so far. It's going to be like this a lot of mornings.

I wake up early the last few days. I think I can do yoga mornings instead of making time for it in the evening. This way, I can do yoga everyday. I am running low on fruits. I was thinking of taking a break today, then do day one tomorrow.

That's how I always think when supplies are running low. I can finish the fruits today, then do low carb tomorrow. Good until my daughter's birthday. I want to finish this and get it over with. Low carb is the fastest way for me to finish this and reach my ideal weight.

I haven't tried vegan. The thing with vegan is when the family eats out, I have nothing to eat. I can finish the fruits today, the go back to low carb starting tomorrow. There's enough food in the ref for that. I think.

I can stop by the grocery tomorrow. I think there's still conrned beef, or not. I can get pork cheeks instead. And what else? I can have something else to eat. There's eggs.

This is the issue with my situation. I am going to get son from school. He's the only one that went to school in the primary kids. Two daughters did not go to school. One went to the doctor and the other one is recuperating from a cold.

I am going to take a nap later on. I always take a nap in the afternoon. It is still cold around here. I can go for a ride, but probably not. I will have to remove my contact lens, and the kids are going to be home without an adult.

I try not to leave them without adult supervision. My oldest is a teenager. If I really have to go, I leave her in charge. Otherwise, I go out when they are all in school, or I don't go out.

I haven't been out since last friday. I am going out tomorrow. I will go to the gym first, then on the way home, stop by the courier office to pick up the tent. I write a lot. I am not copywriting anymore. I just write. No expectations. I will update the blogs later on. For now, I just write and finish these.

I found a flicker group where they update pics with bike touring pictures. I love it. I have two right now that I use for desktop background. One for linux and the other one is for windows, the two OS for my one pc.

When I get tired of looking at them, I get a different one. I am going to have to revive the gloves to keep warm in the morning. They don't really keep me warm, but they help. It's best for me to put my hands under my armpit. They warm up faster that way.

My fingers right now are cold. And it doesn't even snow here in auckland. The snow is down south. I am still cooking the chirstmas wellington trip in my head. It's easier if it were just me. I want to go round via coastal roads. But if wife and kids are not going to go home in three days, costs will go up.

I am working out a general itinerary, but I am sure things will change as we move closer. I have a few resources that I can use to map out our trip. The internet is the primary resource here.

I am projecting a conservative cost of a hundred dollars per day for all of us. That's conservative. I think it is more realistic closer to two hundred, considering how they eat with junk food when bored.

Sitting in the car getting from here to there is going to be boring for them. Plus, most of the time, I am riding my bike. One of the kids will have to learn how to navigate... or I get my wife garmin.

That is the easier alternative. This is why I play poker. This is the business that is working out right now. I have been playing two years and I am still at it. I am ahead, but it's not supporting me.

I wonder how this is connected to my big picture? I am aware of that and looking for the answer.

sunday evening


That brush that I use to dust the computer area, it's gone. Everything I do seems to not work out. Copywriting didn't work. Social media manager didn't work. Trading didn't work. Now what? Riding? Diet didn't work. What the hell is happening here?

I am a failure? It's not that I am putting in enough effort. I work on it hard enough. The poker business is going nowhere. Two years and I am still at 2nl. That's going nowhere. Why is it this way?

Some people they take a moment to learn something and they take off. It's not that I am lacking in anything compared to them. I am different, but how com ei am not getting the expected results? I am judging myself here, the reality and experience that I am getting.

Am I not putting myself first? I feel like that. Like I am putting the family first. That I have nothing left for me. Why did I not ride today? I could have gone out when they went to church. Why didn't I go out?

I was having a good time playing poker. Now I see. I should hve gone out and played. I did not play. I went to work. No need to judge myself for that. I see that happening. Now I am aware of what I am doing. Time to move forward from here.

I just want this day to be over and done with. Do I play poker now? I don't want to work. I just want to do something for myself. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to spend time with the wife. I want that time in san juan when i'd go out after dinner and ride around greenhills. I enjoyed doing that.

How come I am not doing that? There is no greenhills around here and it's too cold. And there are requirements that I need flashing light. Too complicated.

I don't like it here. I wish I were back in manila. I wish I were living in san juan. Those were good times when I was riding my bike. I think the mess started happening when I had girlfriends. I think I was putting them ahead of myself. Time to move on. I see that now.

How come when I enjoy something it doesn't work out? Almost all of the business that I started did not work out. Almost all of them did not work out. What can I learn about it?

At least I am doing something that interests me. And like what the saying goes, i'd rather be a failure doing something that interests me than be a success doing something that doesn't interest me.

But really? I think so. I'd make money in a regular job, but I'd be negative there. I am not enjoying myself. The money is good, but really, i'd have reservations about it. I'd rather be like this? I am having a lot of expectations about money. I see that.

What else can I do about it? I don't know yet. The credit card said I was getting an increase in the balance, but nothing came off it.

At least I was able to order them stuff from amazon. That was good. I am moving forward from here. At least I have the tent. And when the panniers arrive, I can start overnight rides. Where to go first?

I need to ask where I can pitch a tent overnight. At first, i'd be doing that here in the backyard to get myself used to sleeping in the tent. That i'd learn how cold it can get in there. I can also join the rides with the auckland group. They have a trip coming up. I wonder if the panniers are going to be here by then.

It is going to be a long ride. I am looking forward to that. Where can I get the money for membership? The poker business can shoulder that for now. That's three days of no poker for me. When can I join the group?

I don't know yet. I still need to learn when the panniers are arriving. It said, the confirmation email, to expect that in about three weeks from now. The question is, how come the tents are coming in before the end of this week? They are both shipping from the US?

I don't know. Either they are going to be a disappointment as to when they will arrive, or they will go beyond my expectations. I don't know. I am going to be open about this and see what happens.

At least this is moving forward. What if nothing happens? It is up to me. I can change the response. I can go out for rides. The first week, I am going to sleep in the tent. No question about it. The kids can sleep in there too, but only when I am sure that it is going to be safe. What else is there to consider?

I am going to set up the tent. When it's time for bed, I go there. I have the ground cover and the sleeping bags in there. I will also have all the jacket for me. I need to lose weight. I am starting vegan tomorrow. Why not this week? Too complicated.

At least I am moving forward with this. So a whole week on the tent. See what happens. What else is there for me? Just get to the other side and see what happens. Like what? I don't know yet. Just do this. The next step is not yet evident for me. All I know is that things will happen when they arrive. So I wait. That's the next step for me.

And what else?

I finish writing this. I do three pages, then post these on the internet. Then I move on from there. I am tired of seeing websites for bike touring. I can move forward from here. The next step for me is to get the experience itself. Then I can make adjustments from there.

No replies from jorge. I did my best. It's up to him. If he can make something out of it, then good. If not, so be it. I offered something. I think these people are looking for handouts. I can't give them that right now.

gong to the gym in a moment


I have time to write, so I do the morning pages. I have just finished a poker session. I time it to one hour, do that four times each day. This is my job from here on. This is to raise funds for the bike tour that I am going to have.

There is a katmandu outdoors shop in albany. I can go ride over there. I seem to remember going there. I can go there today, or in the weekend. It will take an hour to get there and back. If there is not enough time today, I can go on the weekend. There'd be plenty of time for that then.

I have not been to brown's bay yet. I can get the tent and pannier from amazon. But the question is, how do I pay for the credit card? I have been down this road before. Things are different. I know things now. I am a different being than I was before.

The logic says, wait out the winter, then get the stuff. There might be some sale coming into the winter. These shops will want to unload old stuff before the spring sets in. that's when people are going to start buying stuff.

The conditions tell me that this is nto the right time. Although the opportunity is there, the circumstances do not say so. The reflection says not yet. What to do now? I also have the hospital to pay. I will get there eventually. Only thing is, I am going through contrast. I will allow this then. This is part of the process.

What else is there to write about? The spelling sometimes sucks. That's ok. No need to make edits to that. Only pay attention to what is important to you. I have a website. It will get traffic. I am going in that direction. We learn by going where we have to go. That is what I am learning now. Also, do more with less. That is the bike tourist ethic. That is how we are.

There was this one year off travelogue that I borrowed from the book. But that is not what I am looking for. The guy travelled all over the world looking for adventure. He has money and he was looking for boutique adventures. Not my thing. I think the real adventure is going out there and finding the adventure without having to pay for it. Or find means to get the adventure. Like synchronicity. That is what I am about.

Still, that is a valid experience. To them, it works. But there are a lot more people out there who will ride out. I don't enjoy going through a country on a bus on tour. I'd rather go a tenth of the country by bike and tent. That is more hands on for me. This is what works for me.

How to play poker while on tour? I can play half day, then ride the second half. I can tour the oecd countries. These will have internet connections at the end of my rides. That will allow me to play poker. Or I can stay in hotels. I don't know yet how that is going to be possible. This time around, I have the commitment. I have variance playing on my side.

I am able to keep expenses down, and the potential for home runs are always there. Sometimes they win, more times, I also get my share of the pie. The thing is, I am investing in my meta game all the time. This is why I play.

I observe other people I can go all in when this guy three bets. Then I will see how that fares. They might call with lighter hands. I see that. That is part of the equation. I will go there. There is variance. How to deal with that then? I don't know. But it will be as painful for them as it is to me.

What if they do not care about the money? Then that is the lesson there for me. How to deal with that then? I don't know yet. Just get to the other side. I get there when I get there. I post these when I finish writing, then move on to the other side.

I write everyday, almost. This is the practice. Sometimes, I need to spend more time with the writing. I have julia cameron's book, the right to write. I don't think i've read this one just yet. The other books were not as good as the artist's way. That was a classic. Is it good to have home run books like that?

Of course.

They are part of the process. This is what I am going through. It seems to be going to be a good day again today. It is cold. That's because we are going into winter. But the cold is more manageable this time. It is not as tough as before. This is alright. I can handle this.

I want to get that tent now. And the pannier. Will I be able to ride out as often? Of course I can. I am going to the gym. I am going for weekend rides. The kids can learn how to set up the tent. Wife and I can sleep in the car...

I think we can make that work. The kids can learn how to set up the tent. Where else can I get funds for that? There is the poker account. If needed, I can use the funds then start over again. The only thing that's stopping me is that I might not be able to play. That's a bummer then.

But I am being considerate and I am more aware this time. Things are different this time. I am going out soon as I finish these. I have time. No need to hurry.

I am stopping by the hospice shop. I need to text wife for the magazine money and the bread. I can stop by food town later. I am also doing yoga later on after my nap. I sleep in the afternoon. If I don't, I crash early evening. Or I go to sleep early.

That's what I am right now. I don't know how things are going to get from here to there. That's the fun part. That means that the page is blank. It is up to me how this story will unfold. If I knew what is going to happen, then there is going to be no surprise with the present. That is why it is a present. It is a gift. And you do not know what is inside the gift.

If you know what is going to happen next, where's the fun in that?

i did not go

flower tatoo

I did not go. It was the coffee breaks. I figured there'd be two coffee breaks, or at lesat one and I can do that ride alone. But it's the connection and network that matters. I know. I can find them when I go out. Besides, do I really need it?

I don't know. But I chickened out on this one. Do I want to go out tomorrow? You see, in that same amount of time, I can go out and have a grand time riding myself. Do it. I can and will go out for a ride after breakfast.

I will ride three hours, then check out the tents from at least two shops. I can and will ride to devonport later, stop by the lbs to get a spare inner tube and I am done. I can also do some shopping around for a tent. So look at the different bike shops then see what's in store.

I can do that. It's all about the definition. I write a lot. I see that. Do I really need a group to ride with? Where else can I go. I do not have money. I see. I am reacting to the reflection then. That is what's stoppeing me then. I am reacting to the reflection.

Next time, see that for what it is then move forward. I think the wife can drive me out tomorrow. I will do an easy 40 today. I think I can do hibiscus coast. I haven't been there before. Just drive down and see where that leads to. There are several uphills going there. I see that. It is a long downhill ride.

I can do that every week. Or do something else instead. But it is going to be an interesting ride. If I get a flat, then I can call my wife for a pick up. I can bring my stuff with me as well. Too much trouble, but it is part of the exploration.

I will just get me a spare, then work my way from there. I think I can buy a set of spokes, but that might not be where I want to be. It is all variance. I see that. I am also a careful rider. I will get some. But for now, it is the cash flow that needs to be worked out. What else is out there for me?

Only that I get to the other side each time. Just write. Do what interests you. Find what is exciting and go that way. ok. The first time I did aikido, it was like this. I was shy. I did not know how to do it. But people were waiting. How else are we going to move forward?

So if money were not a factor, would I go? Yes. Then I am just reacting to the reflection. I see that now. I will go tomorrow then. Wife and kids might want to go as well. I am going to have to wake up the wife early if I am going there.

If I am going, then I am also going on saturday rides as well. Then I am going to have to get a jacket and a tent. If I have those then I am going to the winter solstice ride. Then I am going to have to get a tent. This is getting expensive. Why not just ride?

This is the point. I can't go to that ride. I can still have a great time riding without being a part of the group. I can go for a destination, spend time there, then come back. I can do that. Or explore beyond albany. That is a long way off, but I have been there before. It is the rides that I am interested in. not the spending.

If that were so, why not just ride. I am writing this to get this out of my head and into paper. This way, I don't have to go around in cirles in my head. I can see it out here and I can let it go when I finish.

Do I need a group to ride with to get that state of being? no. that is clearn and easy. I do not need to join a group to get that state of being. In fact, I can go for a ride to the city, spend the day there while resting, then ride back. It is the ride back that is the killer. Maybe wife can pick up when I get there? We can have coffee then.

I think that is possible. Will she like it? Of course. But we are broke right now. That is reacting to the reflection. Then I can do something else. Like what? I can just ride around and see what happens. It is going to be a good ride though. I can look it up and see what is in there.

It is a good long ride. It is a good training ride as well. I don't have to go fast. I can go that same pace. Last time, I was trying to catch up with the family. This time, when I go there, I go on my own pace. I can take it easy.

I can go for a picnic when I get there. Then ride home. Where to get water? There are a number of fountains in the park. I can stop by for water in there. There's one in mission bay. That is going to make for a good expedition. I can it an expedition. There is that question of making it, rather of having an adventure. It is not an adventure if I know what is going to happen next.

The same with joining that group. ok. If not that group, where else can I join a group for riding? I think that is a good enough group to join for riding. Or I can save up on the money and get myself a tent. That is good and I can go out for rides already.

That is going to be good training and expeditions galore. I can do that. What else is there for me to do around here? Just ride. Get a tent, get that crate attached to the bike, then start going out for rides. It doesn't have to be a pannier. It only has to be soemthing where I can put my stuff in. the backpack is good. Then I only need a crate that I can put in there for long rides and camping.

I think we can go camping together. I think it is possible to do that. Just get to the other side each time and see what happens. Just see what happens is good adventure motto. Get out there... see what happens.

I will put that on my website?

I can do that. But it sounds incomplete. I know. What else is there for me to write about. I am a few sentences away fom finishing these pages. Just finish. I am done. One more sentence. There. Done.

You teach by the quality of your experience

I have half an hour and I go to the gym. Instead of playing poker, I write. It's stopped raining. I think the storm has passed. I am driven to learn more about adventure travel and bicycle touring. Today, I borrowed four books from the library.

I haven't finished the Lilwall book that I am reading. That's ok. It's still here with me. I don't really read all the books that I borrow. I read a few paragraphs, and if the writing doesn't grab me, I move on to the next one.

The next time that I drive my wife to work, I return the unread books to the library. As I hang out, I look around to see if there is anything there that might catch my fancy. If it does, I take it out to read later. This is why there are so many books here.

While in the library, I had an insight to travel the Philippines. This time, start from the south, then travel up north. I remembered travelling samar and leyte as a sales rep for a drug company. I enjoyed travelling by car back then. I was imagining that I can travel by bike one of these days and that I would enjoy it.

This memory came back to me while in the library. I put that in my bucket list that I am going to do a bike tour of the philippines some time soon. Not now. It is not evident how I am going to get there. One of these days, I will. So I am going to leave it there for now.

Right now, I am looking at going around the north island headed into winter. I can do weekend overnight rides. That is how I am calling them now. I leave saturday morning, ride a hundred kilometers, then set up camp. The next day, I travel back. I will have enough time to do some explorations on impulse, serendipity.

I am also having insights that I need not worry how I am going to get support for this. If this interests me, if this excites me, then I am going to get support for this. I just have to open up as to how it is going to come. When it comes, and I am supported, it will not matter from whom and where the support comes from. I will use the energy.

There are a lot of things that might crop up with this travel. I am going to open up to that energy and use that energy. I don't know how it will turn out. All I know is that if it is there, then use the energy.

I am learning a lot of things this way. The sun is out today. The kids are in school. I had a phone call earlier and I think it was the guy from fxcm australia. He might be wanting to know if I am still interested. I was driving and couldn't answer the phone. He might call later. I will leave it at that. They will leave a message if needed. If it were related to the kids, they will call my wife, then the wife will call me. So I can afford not to answer that phone call.

I am also going to trasfer money to my credit card account. This way, I too, am supported. The poker game is also a means for me to get funds going. At this time, I can get a pannier bag from amazon. I am going to look into that. I don't really need one. I can ride with a backpack, or make a bin to fit in at the back of my bike. That will be interesting.

If it is not evident how to get there, I leave it at that and see what is right in front of me. This is how I am open to synchronicity. This is what I am doing right now. I am writing. No need to see what I am writing and the writing goes faster. I get the message in my head as to where the letters are located. I can't do this with dvorak. This is why I went back to qwerty.

This is my writing and I am back to page two now. I post this when I finish, then I can go to the gym. Driving wife to work then having coffee with her takes up too much time. It is there, then use the energy. No need for judgement. If I am not able to do something, then it is not meant to be done today or at that moment. The timing will come. I trust the timing. This is how I live with synchronicity.

It is an art and more like being open and trusting that it is all connected. I remember maricar. She is pretty. I used to be crazy about her. It showed me how much I did not believe in myself. Things have changed now. If it were meant to be, then it is going to be easy and effortless. If it requires a lot of effort, then it is not meant to be. I let it go and allow what is.

This is how things have been going on in my life. If it is difficult, then I stop doing that. It has to be easy for me. Going to new zealand was easy. We got here and someone paid for our plane tickets. Beat that.

I also learned aikido—for free. I was even paid for a few months. I gained a lot from the experience. It was fun. Most of all, it was effortless. I wasn't rich, but I had a lot of money at some point in time. I was supported back then because of my excitement. I was passionate about it.

This is why I believe in this process. I have been denying myself this a few years back. I was learning it back then. Now is the time to practice. This is what I am doing right now. I practice this.

Abundance is simply opportunity. It is an opportunity to be in that state of being. It is not about having. It is about being. Everything then is reflected back to me as an experience.

If I am having fun even if I did not have the material object, then I am going to accelerate in that direction and have more of that experience. I don't know how that is, but it is what I am experiencing. I am not teaching. I can only share the experience.

This is why I can write. This is how I can blog. The quality of the experience and how you are able to relate that experience with someone is the key. There is no need for teachers anymore. Everyone is a teacher and a student at the same time. Claiming to be a teacher is detrimental to learning.

morning pages on a sunday evening

bike kiss

Wife is still watching tv. She should be making dinner now. Kids are messing around. Too much noise. I am going to divide my time between writing and playing poker. If some folks can make good money playing poker online, why can't I?

Variance is and can be a factor. I think I already know that. I think I know how to work with that as well. It is when variance hits hard that I can't deal with. I wonder what the wife is going to make for dinner. She wants me to make dinner so she can just sit and watch tv. She will claim that she has other stuff to do. But she sits in front of the tv and just watch. If she can prioritize... man, I have been here before. I don't like the feeling.

I think the weather forecast in the coming days is rain. How am I going to ride then? I can ride, but the bike is going to get wet. I can go for a run. I have done so in the past when it rains and I enjoyed doing that. Too much noise. I am not able to write. I don't want to play poker this way.

I will play four sessions of one hour each. I can commit to that. Where am I going to get time for that? I don't know. I can do that though and write the other four hours. I can prioritize my things to do and finish them when I need to do them. I don't have to write something for each of the blogs that I have.

I can write one hour for one blog. What doesn't get updated is not meant to be updated for the day. I wonder if sister in law is ever going to go online. There goes synchronicity again. I wonder if that will work again.

Synchronicity. It works. I think it is more stable this way. I tried reinstalling this on linux, it did not work. I wonder why this is so? I don't know but it should install without any problem. It did install but there were problems. It did not run. I would rather have this one instead.

I can play poker after dinner. I rode my bike to the mall. Instead of doing day one, I had carbs. But that was during breakfast. So be it then. This is supposed to be here. I am disrtacted with all the noise. Third daughter has her art stuff. She wanted one for some time. We found one in the mall. She got one. My kids get it and I did not have to work for it. This is the process that I am going through. That I am supported, and my family, even if I did not make things happen. That I am ok with this. This is what I am going through right now.

I wonder if wife is making dinner. Do I have to make that happen as well? I don't think so. Just be in the moment and see what happens. I stopped getting clients. It was easy to get clients. Finding one that I want to work with is the tough part.

I would rather work for myself. It is still being employed. I am supported anyway. I am getting financial support. I can work with that while I am building and growing up the business. Soon as it is there, then I don't have to get that anymore.

I wonder if the wife is making dinner. I don't want to have dinner late. Do I want to play poker now? I can play. I can update my blogs as well. Daughter eldest has shut down the computer.

I found this off track cycling trail near unsworth heights. I wonder if there be others. I think there are. I am going to find them when I ride some more. There are more. I am sure of it. Where else can I ask them? I can ask the group of pinoys here. I wonder if any rides a bike as well?

I don't have any response from the application I made for that cycling group. If they ride in here then good. If it is in the city, then I am going to have to get a ride from someone from around here. Rides start from 930am. That's good enough for me. The rides are slow and easy. It's not a race training ride. That's what I like about it. I am looking forward to joining that.

So far, no response. I am thinking that it is because of the weekend. I will wait until wednesday. If no response, then I will call and see what is the issue. I think it will fall into place. I think riding on sundays is a good way to spend my time. I can avoid spending time with the junk food eaters. I don't think sister in law is going to go online today.

We will see what happens later. I am doing morning pages right now. I am writing even if I did not see what I am writing here. No need to edit these. Just write. I wonder what wife is going to make for dinner. Weekends, she cooks. Monday to friday, I cook. She used to cook as well, but she has been coming home late.

This week, I think wife is going to be taking the bus. She spent a lot this weekend. I wonder why she does that. I put in my time and effort. She spends the money. I think I need a say in that. I think there is something wrong with the setup. She can't just spend just because she is directly earning the salary. I take care of the kids and do the house chores. I have a say in that.

If not, then if things get short, then it's her problem and I don't want to hear about it. She spends the money. Why should I be worrying about the budget as well. If you ask me, going to the mall should be once a month when there are extra. She doesn't see it that way. I guess this is the process that I go through.

Just do this and see what happens. I have a forex trading account but it is not active. I haven't made any trades just yet. I think it is going to go sideways. I am looking for good support or resistance before opening a position.

Besides, there is also risk reward to consider. I can check that out on monday when things start opening again. Dollar seems to be gaining strength. Trade what you see, not what you think.

That is a good rule of thumb there. I am writing. No need to see what I am writing. I wonder what the kids are watching. It is kinda quiet. I wonder if that is something I want to see as well?

Not enough good shows around here. I'd rather watch youtube videos. They are more interesting. How did it get that way? It's their fault. Writers are not being paid well. They go for cheap writers and expensive actors. It don't work out that way.

It's the industry's fault then. Why should we pay to watch or buy junk? They should have money back guarantee. Otherwise, go torrent.

Tuesday's contrast

vintage bikes

I am feeling a lot of contrast in me right now.

It has been like this for quite some time now. I don't get it. I guess that to be positive, you need a lot of issues to be positive about. So why not NOT be positive instead? Too much friction that way. I'd rather point downstream. It feels easier.

So this is part of the process then. I just go through this and see where this leads to. I am going to the gym after I write this, then post. I did a rest day yesterday, but only made an easy ride going to the library. I messaged wife if she wanted to hang out, no reply. She was in a meeting.

The thing here is to just choose how i'd feel and what i'd think. If that thought pattern shows up, I observe and just be aware of how I feel about it. This is what I can do about it. What was that noise? It's just me and the cat in this house.


Yes. Yes it is. Is that the wind? Should I check what that is about? Wind? It was the cat, smokey. He went to the bath tub to get a drink of water. Sometimes, he goes out through the bathroom window.

I don't write much. I just want to see how this will pan out. I am not going to plan nor make things happen. Everything will happen as a reflection. I may not believe it completely, but coming from someone who is on that path saying it works, I believe that. Now I learn by doing. This is what it's all about. Learning by doing. I don't have to know where the foot is going to land next. All I know is that I want to head towards this direction.

It's going to be tough when I don't know what I am choosing, or choosing not what I want. I have that choice. I am aware of that choice. Not all the time, it seems, but at lest I am aware of that.

Right now, there is resistance in me. Maybe it's because of the expectation. I see that now. I am moving forward with this. I am crazy about my bike. I love it. I look at it all the time. I imagine riding it all the time.

Because of the bike, I am considering getting a job, just to bike commute to work. But we all know that I don't need that. I bike commute going to everywhere I need to go. That is more than enough. One bike ride a day is good and enough for me already. I get to observe and be aware of what's happening inside of me.

I woke up with my legs still sore from last sunday's ride. Do I take a break today? I made day one yesterday. It was tough. I barely had anything for dinner. Surprisingly, I wasn't that hungry going to bed. We even had sex last night.

So today is day two. I am not taking a break this time. Even if we went to denny's, I have a choice right there. I am going to stop either on my birthday, or when I reach 70kg. That's the target weight for me now. This is page three. I am almost done. One more page to go. I made a wild play there going all in with an open ended straight draw. That was uncalled for. But the other person called and had kk.

I lost a pot aa earlier. Too bad, but these things happen. So now I see that I too, have the luck. It's not just them. I am moving forward from here. I was at 270 and gave it all back. That was a lot. Like I lost thirty in a week. That is devastating, isn't it. That was a wild ride there. What happened? Maybe all ins that did not work out. And I have been here for a long time now. Cat is in here looking around, being a curious cat.

Am I a cat lover? Not really, but the kids love this cat and it has rubbed off on me too. That bike looks different from this angle. The color looks different on the derailer. It's ok. As long as it is working. The bar ends are good looking and has a good angle to it.

I ride and it's not much, but it hits my quota. I pay the credit card later on? When the bill arrives, I can make a payment. In fact, I can pay all the money that comes in from support. This is where I am supported, right here. Things are taken care of. I can be at ease with that. What else do I want to go do with this? I don't know. Just write about it is what I can do for now. No need to make things happen. I try too hard on that.

What else is there for me then? I don't know yet. All I know is that I want to go easy on this and see what happens. I am now on page four.


I have fifteen minutes to write. i don’t know if i can finish three pages of this. i am going to drive my son to a school disco. it starts at six. i leave in fifteen minutes and we have enough time to walk up that hill to his school after parking.

it’s a walkway going up to their school. there is limited parking inside the school and i am assuming it is going to be full. my son doesn’t want me hanging out in the disco... specifically asked that i go home and come back later when they are finished.

these kids are sure growing up fast.

one time they don’t want you out of their sight. these days, they don’t want you anywhere near them when they are with their friends. my eldest teen doesn’t even hug me anymore. i get a kiss when they go out, but that’s how far it goes. i’ll take that anyway.

my son wants me to buy him hairgel. he’s seven, i think. i did not bother about hairgels until i was like sixteen. anyway, that’s how times are these days.

i don’t have much in my agenda so i got me a javascript learning book. i think i am going to go through that right now. i’d rather grow my business than get a job, even if it were a self employed job. i think the trick here is to behave like the businesses are working and i am a successful businessman... rather than worrying about where the money is going to come from next.

i think the people at the forums are helping, but some of them are just as clueless as i am. i think it is better to get feedback from people who has experience--reddit. that’s a good source of information for me.

wife is going to stop by the school on her way home. we can all go home together from there. i will make corned beef for dinner. is there enough time for that? will the kids get hungry before dinner? do i have to upload myunderwood for this?

i can do that. it’s in dropbox. i like mediafire better as i can get more files in there. but i have to go to their website whereas dropbox updates auto. i can do mediafire for the files i don’t really need, back up files, whereas files like these, for writing, i can go for dropbox. so i have best of both worlds.

there is google drive, but i don’t have much use for it at the moment. it’s there, i can use the five gig, but not right now. i have more than enough with mediafire. it’s unlimited. i am not a power user for that anyway. this will work for me right now.

this is page two. i have one more page to go. not much writing here. i am watching my daughter stumble anyways. i wonder what will happen if you open a document from both sides and update them. which one will be used to over write the other?

i don’t know. no sense trying that right now. i think we can leave now. it only takes a few minutes to get up there. no rush. i can write some more then see what happens. i am back with vim. i am learning that again. no rush. i am also learning javascript. that’s good enough for me here. i can check out other things as well, but for now, this will do me good.

i think i can use javascript for the websites that i make. i think that the date function is pretty good and that i can use that. we’ll see what happens from here. do i want to hang out in that disco. maybe my daughter will want to go to the disco or something.

i think that is possible. some of their friends are going to be there anyway. is clarisse going there? that’s my daughter’s best friend. she might. she’s not sick. i did not ride my bike today. i’ll ride tomorrow.

in fact, i can ride to city tomorrow, then ask my wife to come get me. she might want to have coffee in the city with me. how’s that? where? i don’t know where starbucks is around there other than at queens road. i think we can go there, but parking is a problem. we can have coffee at takapuna.

i have a few more minutes. i can at least finish page two. then i can drive my son to his disco. i used to go to parties like that. i had a grand time going there. plenty of nice ladies to meet, but i wasn’t good with the ladies back then. i just watched and looked. i did not have a girlfriend until i finished college.

kinda sad looking back, but that’s how things went. i can’t worry about that now. things turned out good anyway. there were plenty of missed opportunities looking back now. i only wish i believed in myself more.

and that’s what it’s for. that i will beleive in myself more right now. have more trust that i will get there. so it is. i see that now and am moving forward from tehre.

do i need to make uploads soon? the fingers are kinda tired. do i want to change back to dvorak? that is easier, but they are not adapted to vim. i can not use that for vim unless i remap the keys.

one more thing i want to learn is autohotkeys. but i don’t go to windows that often. i trade, but it’s not everyday. i check out the london charts time zone and that’s how far it goes. i am zoomed out from trading these days.

eddie is going sideways anyway.

i have five minutes. i am done here.