sunday evening


That brush that I use to dust the computer area, it's gone. Everything I do seems to not work out. Copywriting didn't work. Social media manager didn't work. Trading didn't work. Now what? Riding? Diet didn't work. What the hell is happening here?

I am a failure? It's not that I am putting in enough effort. I work on it hard enough. The poker business is going nowhere. Two years and I am still at 2nl. That's going nowhere. Why is it this way?

Some people they take a moment to learn something and they take off. It's not that I am lacking in anything compared to them. I am different, but how com ei am not getting the expected results? I am judging myself here, the reality and experience that I am getting.

Am I not putting myself first? I feel like that. Like I am putting the family first. That I have nothing left for me. Why did I not ride today? I could have gone out when they went to church. Why didn't I go out?

I was having a good time playing poker. Now I see. I should hve gone out and played. I did not play. I went to work. No need to judge myself for that. I see that happening. Now I am aware of what I am doing. Time to move forward from here.

I just want this day to be over and done with. Do I play poker now? I don't want to work. I just want to do something for myself. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to spend time with the wife. I want that time in san juan when i'd go out after dinner and ride around greenhills. I enjoyed doing that.

How come I am not doing that? There is no greenhills around here and it's too cold. And there are requirements that I need flashing light. Too complicated.

I don't like it here. I wish I were back in manila. I wish I were living in san juan. Those were good times when I was riding my bike. I think the mess started happening when I had girlfriends. I think I was putting them ahead of myself. Time to move on. I see that now.

How come when I enjoy something it doesn't work out? Almost all of the business that I started did not work out. Almost all of them did not work out. What can I learn about it?

At least I am doing something that interests me. And like what the saying goes, i'd rather be a failure doing something that interests me than be a success doing something that doesn't interest me.

But really? I think so. I'd make money in a regular job, but I'd be negative there. I am not enjoying myself. The money is good, but really, i'd have reservations about it. I'd rather be like this? I am having a lot of expectations about money. I see that.

What else can I do about it? I don't know yet. The credit card said I was getting an increase in the balance, but nothing came off it.

At least I was able to order them stuff from amazon. That was good. I am moving forward from here. At least I have the tent. And when the panniers arrive, I can start overnight rides. Where to go first?

I need to ask where I can pitch a tent overnight. At first, i'd be doing that here in the backyard to get myself used to sleeping in the tent. That i'd learn how cold it can get in there. I can also join the rides with the auckland group. They have a trip coming up. I wonder if the panniers are going to be here by then.

It is going to be a long ride. I am looking forward to that. Where can I get the money for membership? The poker business can shoulder that for now. That's three days of no poker for me. When can I join the group?

I don't know yet. I still need to learn when the panniers are arriving. It said, the confirmation email, to expect that in about three weeks from now. The question is, how come the tents are coming in before the end of this week? They are both shipping from the US?

I don't know. Either they are going to be a disappointment as to when they will arrive, or they will go beyond my expectations. I don't know. I am going to be open about this and see what happens.

At least this is moving forward. What if nothing happens? It is up to me. I can change the response. I can go out for rides. The first week, I am going to sleep in the tent. No question about it. The kids can sleep in there too, but only when I am sure that it is going to be safe. What else is there to consider?

I am going to set up the tent. When it's time for bed, I go there. I have the ground cover and the sleeping bags in there. I will also have all the jacket for me. I need to lose weight. I am starting vegan tomorrow. Why not this week? Too complicated.

At least I am moving forward with this. So a whole week on the tent. See what happens. What else is there for me? Just get to the other side and see what happens. Like what? I don't know yet. Just do this. The next step is not yet evident for me. All I know is that things will happen when they arrive. So I wait. That's the next step for me.

And what else?

I finish writing this. I do three pages, then post these on the internet. Then I move on from there. I am tired of seeing websites for bike touring. I can move forward from here. The next step for me is to get the experience itself. Then I can make adjustments from there.

No replies from jorge. I did my best. It's up to him. If he can make something out of it, then good. If not, so be it. I offered something. I think these people are looking for handouts. I can't give them that right now.