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Tuesday's contrast

vintage bikes


I am feeling a lot of contrast in me right now.

It has been like this for quite some time now. I don't get it. I guess that to be positive, you need a lot of issues to be positive about. So why not NOT be positive instead? Too much friction that way. I'd rather point downstream. It feels easier.

So this is part of the process then. I just go through this and see where this leads to. I am going to the gym after I write this, then post. I did a rest day yesterday, but only made an easy ride going to the library. I messaged wife if she wanted to hang out, no reply. She was in a meeting.

The thing here is to just choose how i'd feel and what i'd think. If that thought pattern shows up, I observe and just be aware of how I feel about it. This is what I can do about it. What was that noise? It's just me and the cat in this house.

Fear?

Yes. Yes it is. Is that the wind? Should I check what that is about? Wind? It was the cat, smokey. He went to the bath tub to get a drink of water. Sometimes, he goes out through the bathroom window.

I don't write much. I just want to see how this will pan out. I am not going to plan nor make things happen. Everything will happen as a reflection. I may not believe it completely, but coming from someone who is on that path saying it works, I believe that. Now I learn by doing. This is what it's all about. Learning by doing. I don't have to know where the foot is going to land next. All I know is that I want to head towards this direction.

It's going to be tough when I don't know what I am choosing, or choosing not what I want. I have that choice. I am aware of that choice. Not all the time, it seems, but at lest I am aware of that.

Right now, there is resistance in me. Maybe it's because of the expectation. I see that now. I am moving forward with this. I am crazy about my bike. I love it. I look at it all the time. I imagine riding it all the time.

Because of the bike, I am considering getting a job, just to bike commute to work. But we all know that I don't need that. I bike commute going to everywhere I need to go. That is more than enough. One bike ride a day is good and enough for me already. I get to observe and be aware of what's happening inside of me.

I woke up with my legs still sore from last sunday's ride. Do I take a break today? I made day one yesterday. It was tough. I barely had anything for dinner. Surprisingly, I wasn't that hungry going to bed. We even had sex last night.

So today is day two. I am not taking a break this time. Even if we went to denny's, I have a choice right there. I am going to stop either on my birthday, or when I reach 70kg. That's the target weight for me now. This is page three. I am almost done. One more page to go. I made a wild play there going all in with an open ended straight draw. That was uncalled for. But the other person called and had kk.

I lost a pot aa earlier. Too bad, but these things happen. So now I see that I too, have the luck. It's not just them. I am moving forward from here. I was at 270 and gave it all back. That was a lot. Like I lost thirty in a week. That is devastating, isn't it. That was a wild ride there. What happened? Maybe all ins that did not work out. And I have been here for a long time now. Cat is in here looking around, being a curious cat.

Am I a cat lover? Not really, but the kids love this cat and it has rubbed off on me too. That bike looks different from this angle. The color looks different on the derailer. It's ok. As long as it is working. The bar ends are good looking and has a good angle to it.

I ride and it's not much, but it hits my quota. I pay the credit card later on? When the bill arrives, I can make a payment. In fact, I can pay all the money that comes in from support. This is where I am supported, right here. Things are taken care of. I can be at ease with that. What else do I want to go do with this? I don't know. Just write about it is what I can do for now. No need to make things happen. I try too hard on that.

What else is there for me then? I don't know yet. All I know is that I want to go easy on this and see what happens. I am now on page four.