a lot of "i don't likes"

I have a lot of resistance this morning. I see that I have a lot of I don't wants, and that I am focusing too much on them. It gets me out of the light. And now it's almost 11am and I haven't done much of the things I want to do. I put the family first and I resent that.

I want to have more time to do more of the things that I like doing. Like ride my bike, play poker. Words get in the way, but it's the vibration that I am after here. I just write. To let the flow through. This is what I am doing. It doesn't matter what I write, whether they make sense or not.

The intention here is the flow. Write words that don't match, it doesn't matter. Nobody is reading these anyway. This is part of the Synchronicity that is all around me. So I write. Not knowing how this will turn out. I just write. Rather, I just walk in this path. There is that attitude of what am I going to find on this path. I don't think that's expectation. It is more like being open to what is.

Have to write three pages. I just write one page. This gets the juices working. If I go beyond one page, then it is because it is interesting and that the flow is there. If I don't feel like writing, then one page is more than enough for me. This is the practice.

Most of the time, I write because I am not feeling good. This is more an outlet. When I am feeling good, I don't know if I am writing that much. But it has come to my attention that I do want to write and vent when I don't feel to be in the light.

So I write. I am also learning the ruby programming language. It caught my interest. I was walking down this path a year ago, found it too difficult back then and switched to python. I went as far as django, as far as I can go with python, then I lost interest. I wasn't doing what I wanted to do with it. I was hitting a wall. And I decided to stop.

This time with ruby, I understand what object oriented means. I have a better grasp of some of the concepts I couldn't understand with python. So there is a renewed interest in learning this new language.

I don't know how far this will take me, or what I can do with it. For now, it is enough for me to know that I am interested in it and that I want to learn more about it.

end of winter?

I don't know what to do now. The kids are fighting. It's like four against one. The one was making food for everyone else and was taking too long. So they must have picked on her and now she's crying. And now the tv is off for one hour as a consequence.

Anyway, I am making roast pork in the oven. It cooks at 150 for three hours, it'd be ready at 7pm and wife is on her way home by then. I'd like to show the new friend around the house. I think I owe her that. Otherwise, I think it's only proper. If she declines, then so be it.

This rss ticker thing, it's loading up a lot of feeds all the time. It takes a lot just to see all of them, and it's just the pictures I am after. Do I really want what they are publishing?

Not all of them. There are a few that I want to see. Picture blogs are great. Like copenhagen cycle chic. The others, not as good. Mine isn't there yet. That's fine. I can get there. It's just a camera. I can work with that when I get there.

ok. the kids are now having their pancit. That's what I promised them yesterday. They are going to have another pack tomorrow. It's on sale, two packs for five dollars. I wonder why it is for sale? I think paknsave has a sale. So countdown also wants a sale.

Considering that paknsave is cheaper, countdown has a lot of customers around the time school lets out. There was so many people going into countdown earlier. I meet the kids in there. I don't have to walk up the road to meet them. That is acting out of fear. I don't have to. I can act out of love, out of allowing, and know that everything will happen that needs to happen. No need for fear.

Fearful thinking has been a habit for me. I think I learned that from my wife. Now I am aware of it. I am not choosing that anymore. I would rather be at peace. I would rather be in the light.

Fear thinking is from the brain. It's logic. I am in the brain mode. Whereas love is from the heart. When I find myself in fear, or anxiety, then I see that and get to choose. It becomes an opportunity for me. I choose to be in the heart. The heart is quiet. It is peaceful. Then the heart and brain work together. The brain starts to think in the light—positive thoughts.

I had that insight earlier today. I was reading conversations with god and that insight came through. One of the kids is upset because I turned off the tv on her turn. It was rude of her to label the other one as lazy when she is doing all the cooking.

Anyway, this is how it is. At least the tv is quiet now and they can do something else. The broadband technician did not come. I am going to have to give them a call again tomorrow. The dsl light came on a while ago. Now it's off again. I wonder why they did not come?

Maybe they were outside and fixed the box on the street. When they saw that working, they should have called. That's to check if my connection is already up. But I did not have a call.

It's still early in the day. They might be working on it as we speak. I hope so. This way, the other internet can go to the kids' computer and I don't have to use them. I shouldn't be charged anything if the internet access is down. That's life.

I found that when I changed the plan and upgraded, I think they made changes in there. There is a big oki truck outside. I wonder which house that one goes to.

I am playing poker in a moment. The big truck goes to the neighbor. They are a young people next door. Party people? Probably not. Just young people. I was there once. But after college, I wasn't in there quite yet. I was working in sales. It was tough.

Anyway, time to move forward. I gained something in the process. I am moving forward from there. I still have the internet up. I can do something else I had coke while the kids have pancit. That's the rule here.

Am I being selfish? No. I am attending to myself. This is how I take care of myself. I attend to the kids. I put them first, but sometimes, I need to put myself first when their needs are already met.

first full day in the new home

I am scared. I don't know how things are going to turn out from here. I get uncomfortable in situations like this. I don't know which way to go. The only thing I know is to choose the light. To go into the light. In any given situation, given a fork in the road, I choose the light.

Sometimes it is going to look like the lame choice. It always is darkest before light. I see that. But still the fear lingers. Why do I feel this? What is the definition? That I do not know how things will turn out. That I might be on the underside of this and feel sorry about it.

Still, it shows me more. At the least, the situation is going to show me what my definitions are. Why can't things be just easy? Why not be easy sailing? Because this energy is going to shift soon and may never come back. By going through this now, I am putting it all on the table.

Is that my definition? Somewhat. It is like the video games you play. You have to go through challenges to gain the required experience. When you have it, definition and being comes into light.

This is the holy trinity... definition, experience, being.

And how is this connected with my fear?

My being is in fear. I see the experience as a reflection. There is a definition there. What is the definition? That I am not an equal. If I am not equal to that, then I am not equal to my true self. Be in the light. See the anxiety. It's like david facing goliath. It brought forth all the fear inside. Instead of fighting the fear and facing goliath, david chose to be in the light. By being in the light, he saw opportunity and struck.

It is not about your circumstance. The circumstance is there only to show you that you can choose to be in the light. This is how you are equal. Do I need to be on that other side of the fence? I must have been in there in a parallel earth. Right now, I am experiiencing it.

This is the stage that I am going through. I don't know how this will unfold. I don't have to know that here and now. What I do know is that, when the time comes, I will know what to do. Just be in the moment, be in the light. Choose the light.

That choice, is the greatest power in the universe.

So how do the masters do it?

They go to the light. Then they know what to do when they need to know it.

My son just came in the room making me an offer. He wants a full cup of sprite in exchange for his remaining chocolate bar. Who can resist that.

There was this korean couple who came to look at the house. They found out I had four kids. The wife said I was a wealthy person. Not rich, wealthy.

I liked what she said. I said thank you in return.

It showed me something. That I already have that state of being. There is no need for outside riches. It makes things easy, but sometimes, easy is not the best way to go. There are other ways up the mountain.

Why am I waxing philosophy this time? I don't know. I just write down whatever comes to mind. This time, this is what is coming out. Some are direct feed. The others are the local mind musing.

There is a part going on next door. I didn't know they were college kids? It looks like they are young adults. I don't know how this is going to turn out. All I know is that this is where I am.

I don't know where I am going. I don't even plan anymore. Years ago, I found out that plans don't work. I follow my Synchronicity and everything falls into place.

How to follow Synchronicity? Just act on your excitement. Point downstream. Choose to be in the light. These are what I do, these are what I choose when I find myself in a fork in the road. I do have to force myself to choose the path that's unknown to me. And this is where I am right now.

thursday 11.01pm

I am having second thoughts about this new stake... again.

The backer rolled me for 10NL zoom, one hundred dollars. We split profits fifty fifty and there's makeup. The deal is good for 250,000 hands. What gets me is that it's a no lose situation for them. How soon can I play higher stakes?

I am thinking I have enough bankroll to play this level. The resources they have in their website isn't that good anyway. I get better stuff on the internet. Also I teach myself and I learn stuff.

It's just a question of how much are you willing to lose. If you can afford, rather, if you are after ego gratification and don't mind losing money, then you can be as aggressive as you want.

If you are after building up your bankroll, then you are after minimizing risk and protecting your bankroll at all costs. I think I have the basic foundation to winning poker. I just need some time.

Here's what I am going to do. I am going to play this stake and see how it goes. In the meantime, I am going to find ways to get a credit card. Why not just play your own? You are ahead anyway.

It's going to add a blemish to my record with the community. This is the third stake. I let this go, and I am completely done with staking. No longer will I go in there and look for one.

Or I can finish this. Play as many tables as I can, play as many hands, it doesn't matter how things will turn out. Just finish the stake deal, then get on with my life.

How long will it take? About three months. I think I can make that work. What else is there? I think I can do many things at the same time. When I finish the stake, I will have enough vip level to make good with the bonus. I can then resume with my own bankroll.

It's the weekly bill that concerns me. But is the stake the solution to that? I don't know. It's an unknown to me. Then do the best you can and see where this road leads to.

I can't tell what's going to happen ahead of time. All I know is that this is a business and that I am going to see where this road takes me.

I don't have to get a job. I am already doing my job. So what now? Just play. No expectations. It is the expectations that's going to get me. Just play, enjoy the process. If my way doesn't make money, then they will end the agreement.

Maybe I should go for that. Go do what I do best and look forward to them cutting the deal. Letting me go. I think I can do that. I have a winning method in place. All I need to do is to put in the hands. Then I do hand history review, update my notes.

I think I have something going there for me. I will do that. It takes time, but I will get to the other side. I finish this deal, then decide when I get there. It will take three months or so, but that's how it is. There is soemthing here for me. It's a present. Let's see what that is about.

I don't have to be the best horse in the stable. I just need, choose to be the best I can be and enjoy the process. That's the gameplan for me.

I also go out and have a good time. I can ride my bike. This will help in some ways. I can do that as well. I will play more hands tomorrow. After each session, do I do my hand history review?

no. I can do that at the end of the day. That is the most productive thing I can do to improve my game. I have resources out there. The 2p2 community is one of the best that I can go to. I will do that.

There's a lot of things I can do to improve my game. From here on, it is all about enjoying the process. I don't have to know how things are going to fall into place. No expectations. Just be in the moment. Be in the here and now.

I am not being duped here. They too, are playing at risk. If I don't do my stuff, then they do not need other players. It's the perspective that they are after. They want your perspective, your part of the puzzle. This way, we all get something from the process.

ok. this settles it then. I can go to bed with a good vibration. I can live with that. What else ist ehre to write about? Kids are getting ready for bed. I just want to write morning pages and I can go to bed.

I am starting day one tomorrow. I want to do yoga again. I stopped somehow. Wife doesn't want the bike inside the house. That's ok. She's just kidding. She knows how much I love that bike. I can go through the backdoor and bring up the bike through the kitchen.

The tires are not going to make a mess. It's going to be free from mud. I can resume riding at night again. I can get a bike light for myself. I can get that one from avanti.

But why would I want to ride at night. Maybe I can get stuff for the bike this time? I can get schwalbe tires and front rails and bags. I think I have enough money there.

But what about the other bills? Do I really need them now? I think I just need the lights. I need one where I can use rechargeable batteries. Where to get them? I don't know. But they are good for one year and you need to get new ones.

And it's cold. Do I really want to ride at night? I think I know the answer to this already. Why not get those bags? I don't need new bags. Maybe just the handlebar bag. That's cheap enough and I can use them when I ride out. I think I know where I am going tomorrow.

Do I withdraw the money now?