thursday 11.01pm

I am having second thoughts about this new stake... again.

The backer rolled me for 10NL zoom, one hundred dollars. We split profits fifty fifty and there's makeup. The deal is good for 250,000 hands. What gets me is that it's a no lose situation for them. How soon can I play higher stakes?

I am thinking I have enough bankroll to play this level. The resources they have in their website isn't that good anyway. I get better stuff on the internet. Also I teach myself and I learn stuff.

It's just a question of how much are you willing to lose. If you can afford, rather, if you are after ego gratification and don't mind losing money, then you can be as aggressive as you want.

If you are after building up your bankroll, then you are after minimizing risk and protecting your bankroll at all costs. I think I have the basic foundation to winning poker. I just need some time.

Here's what I am going to do. I am going to play this stake and see how it goes. In the meantime, I am going to find ways to get a credit card. Why not just play your own? You are ahead anyway.

It's going to add a blemish to my record with the community. This is the third stake. I let this go, and I am completely done with staking. No longer will I go in there and look for one.

Or I can finish this. Play as many tables as I can, play as many hands, it doesn't matter how things will turn out. Just finish the stake deal, then get on with my life.

How long will it take? About three months. I think I can make that work. What else is there? I think I can do many things at the same time. When I finish the stake, I will have enough vip level to make good with the bonus. I can then resume with my own bankroll.

It's the weekly bill that concerns me. But is the stake the solution to that? I don't know. It's an unknown to me. Then do the best you can and see where this road leads to.

I can't tell what's going to happen ahead of time. All I know is that this is a business and that I am going to see where this road takes me.

I don't have to get a job. I am already doing my job. So what now? Just play. No expectations. It is the expectations that's going to get me. Just play, enjoy the process. If my way doesn't make money, then they will end the agreement.

Maybe I should go for that. Go do what I do best and look forward to them cutting the deal. Letting me go. I think I can do that. I have a winning method in place. All I need to do is to put in the hands. Then I do hand history review, update my notes.

I think I have something going there for me. I will do that. It takes time, but I will get to the other side. I finish this deal, then decide when I get there. It will take three months or so, but that's how it is. There is soemthing here for me. It's a present. Let's see what that is about.

I don't have to be the best horse in the stable. I just need, choose to be the best I can be and enjoy the process. That's the gameplan for me.

I also go out and have a good time. I can ride my bike. This will help in some ways. I can do that as well. I will play more hands tomorrow. After each session, do I do my hand history review?

no. I can do that at the end of the day. That is the most productive thing I can do to improve my game. I have resources out there. The 2p2 community is one of the best that I can go to. I will do that.

There's a lot of things I can do to improve my game. From here on, it is all about enjoying the process. I don't have to know how things are going to fall into place. No expectations. Just be in the moment. Be in the here and now.

I am not being duped here. They too, are playing at risk. If I don't do my stuff, then they do not need other players. It's the perspective that they are after. They want your perspective, your part of the puzzle. This way, we all get something from the process.

ok. this settles it then. I can go to bed with a good vibration. I can live with that. What else ist ehre to write about? Kids are getting ready for bed. I just want to write morning pages and I can go to bed.

I am starting day one tomorrow. I want to do yoga again. I stopped somehow. Wife doesn't want the bike inside the house. That's ok. She's just kidding. She knows how much I love that bike. I can go through the backdoor and bring up the bike through the kitchen.

The tires are not going to make a mess. It's going to be free from mud. I can resume riding at night again. I can get a bike light for myself. I can get that one from avanti.

But why would I want to ride at night. Maybe I can get stuff for the bike this time? I can get schwalbe tires and front rails and bags. I think I have enough money there.

But what about the other bills? Do I really need them now? I think I just need the lights. I need one where I can use rechargeable batteries. Where to get them? I don't know. But they are good for one year and you need to get new ones.

And it's cold. Do I really want to ride at night? I think I know the answer to this already. Why not get those bags? I don't need new bags. Maybe just the handlebar bag. That's cheap enough and I can use them when I ride out. I think I know where I am going tomorrow.

Do I withdraw the money now?