learn self

Three pages wam up before I start writing. This is to get that connectiono going, priming the pump so to speak. No thinking, just let the fingers do thee typing. I watched sergei brin on youtube. He had that iron man-esque energy about him. He was is surprisingly lean. He must have time to work out all the time. Is he eating?

What is that red thing on the odesk thing? I don't know. I looked into it a while ago when I was using it but couldn't find anything. I will see before I log into that.

I am going to finish one letter. Then it goes easyer from there. What was that going on in there. I think the laptop is on cruise control now. How to get that wise screen thing onto the tv, I don't know yet. I will figure it out with google. I am sure with billions all over the world using it, someone must have dealt with it already.

What do you think is the cause? I don't know. It could be with the video settings. Or the display settings. Is it a flash thing? I think it has soemthig to do with flash. Is it a browser thing? Maybe so. What is that red thing here on odesk? It catches my attention. Is it like that always?

Maybe I need to udpdate it or something? Why not change font? I can change that. I can change the keyboard layout so it's easier to type, but it will be that much harder to code later on. I can maybe make changes to vim. It's the vim that's holding me back. It makes navigation easy on the keyboard. How to do that?

I saw some questions on the vim website. I think I got turned of fbecause it wasd getting too difficult. I can make changes after this assignment. I will do that then. I am thinking of doing programming as my main stay. I will write copy for the contests. Then I can do the websites of mine, interenet marketing on my free time. This way, I grow as a programmer, and my business as a copywriter is going as well. So I have three things going on for me.

How to do that? Just walk tdown that road. I don't like working for clients with copy. I tend to not have enough research for that. How to deal with that then? I don't knw yet. I just write. There are a lot of pages already done here. Sometimes I come in early. I remember that back when I worked in a call center. It was early. I did not have much to do so I went in and wrote. Then I posted. I think we had otuside internet access back then. I don't think we were allowed to write about the work, I was just writing morning pages on a night time when my day was about to start.

Did I learn something from that? I think so. Is my fingers doing all the working here? I can learn dvorak. This is going to be the third time I am going to do that. Just do three pages each day and I wlll get there in no time. It is the practice that makes the difference here. I can make changes to the keyboard. I think I can make them on vimperator, but it will be easier on vimium. The docs are right there and no need to save them or what not.

What else to do?

I can finish these. I go out to ride my bike later on. What else is there for me to do here? Just write. Finish these and see what happens. I can finish the other one tonight. I have time since wife is coming home late later on.

Do I listen to something here while I write? I don't know. Maybe. That might make sense. I have coffeetivity in the background. It gives a sense of a lot of talk going on in the back. This is good for writeing. Like I get that feeling that I am in a coffeeshop o rin the mall.

I thin that gets the flow easier. I can hear the backrgound noise in the real world, I guess it's ok. It's not such a loud thing. It's not even weird. I think the brain likes what is going on in there. Is there a way to download this? I don't know. Why would I want to listen to it outside?

That would be weird right? I think I can go to that beach in milford. Was that lady living in milford? I think that may be an uptight lady. I don't know. I am not there. I am more easy going bohemian lifestyle. Surfer dude thing. Sometohng like that. But I ride a bike instead. And the streets are where I srurf.

No need for grammar to be correct. What is important is the connection. Am I able to connect with my audience? I think that is more important. Phds do not connect well with their audience. I like teaching? I don't know. I don't teach. I never taught anyone per se. I just share my experience. I don't think that experience was for me. I learned something rom it, but I never did enjoy being up there. Or was I? I don't know. Right now, there is no ops there, so letting it go for now.

What else to write about? I don't know. If they can adjust to volume for that, then the music is going to be sort of above that as well. I don't like to listen to musc right now. I just want to set that connection. Connect from there and connect to heere. That is what I am doing here.

What do you do there? I don't know. Just tune in and type whatever comes out. There is the practice, to connect to that.t hen I get to the other side. The fingers coiuld get tired at tiems. I am going to learn that dvorak thing. Its' going to ake amonth to do that. So be it. I am writing a lot lately.

I remember I used to write well already at that level. It's not as fast, but I was getting comfortable with it. It's just that the real world, I was trying to change that.

I can't do that. I can only change myself. How I respond. I know things, but I don't teach, I show by example. This is how I do things. Then is there a need to teach? Only if they want to listen. Otherswise, I don't teach. It was not really a good fit. I had a great time, but I think it was time to move on.

What else? I can run that video, then I can make that connection there. You won't find your kids on youtube being beat up but you wont' see them bullying othes as well. That's important.

They will have self control. They will have discipline. You will have discipline if you were the parent. That is part of the process. That is what the philosopy is about. I don;t think it's about beating ten japanese warriors at the same time. It is being in the moment, one person at a time. No need to be some place else.

Then you can't be ip? Of course not. His path was different. You can learn something else and it becomes you. There is no succession. That is a false reflection definition. There is only you and how you use it.

That's what this is al about? I think so. I was able to fix that clock on the laptop.

anxious upset and overwhelmed

I am having issues. Again. I am upset. I was driver all afternoon. I went out four times. I feel like ihave more work and am getting less paid and everyone is complaining about it and I can't do anything about it. I had to take a nap as well. I was tired. I don't like working for money.

I enjoyed web dev even if I wasn't making money. Do I go back there again? I can do that. I'll finish this one project and then I will concentrate more on web dev. I was already working with angularjs. It's a javascript framework so I don't have to do jquery spaghetti.

Is that good or bad? I don't even jave my earphones. I feel overwhelmed and anxious. What do I do here now? I just write. It's called a mind dump. How to write that thing? I don't know yet. I am doing my research at the moment. The guy can approve my time extra or not. If not, then so be it, but ten hours a week is like not enough. That's like me working three days only. I think it starts next week then. I don't think i'd go over that.

I need time away from all that. I think I can do angular tonight. I have done research already. I think I can make a better website here. What else? I can do a critique first, then I can work from there. I can follow the format? no. I can create my own.

What are the things that are needed there? Do I need that book? I was reading it. I can use that as reference or something. It's going to cost me a week's pay. I think I can do without it for now. What do I do now? Go to that marketing torrent website.

I am. I look for it there. I just need that one or two chapters. It's not that I will need all chapters. So not all books are in the torrent world. How to change that? Just be in the vibration. I will know what I need to know when I need to know it. Right now, I just do three pages. That's where I am going with this. And what else do I need to write about?

I don't know yet. I do three pages to get me writing. To get over that hump of beginning to write. Then I get to the finish line and see what happens. How do I get there? Get the primary story first then I will see what else is there to do. I can write about something. It was that guy I was watching. I think he is there to see something. I can watch that while I write. I asked to see the full video course, but I got samples that were made as marketing material. I need to see the raw video. That's what I am selling. Anyway, this is what I have. This is what I am working with.

Something is wrong with the laptop. Wife won't let me touch it. If I did, i'd install windows 7 into it with a dual boot option. That way, I can maintain it well and it will do fine. Why not do it?

I can do that. I think I can do that. I will have to install windows 7 first on unetbootin, then go from there. Is that even possible? I think so. What else is there?

Will raiderz run inside linux? I think it will as other games will run into it. Is the internet down? I don't know. Now, nobody is using the laptop. It crashes often. If the next time nobody uses it and they are using my computer, I will sneak at the back and install it. Specially on a weekend.

They have decided that it is not working well. I can get it to work well. What else is there? I can turn it off then play with it. I think it is possibble. I am writing here. Go do whatever you want to do. I am going to get to the other side.

I think I want to learn that, but I don't have time to practice regularly. I might have an hour. But I do yoga with it. And where do I get a training partner with that? I think i'd rather learn taichi or something. Like what? I don't know yet I can learn something and go from there.

I can learn forms. I am doing forms. Angular js. I am learning the bsics with that. I think my eldest child is looking for attention. I am giving it to her. She is talking about her day and I think it is interesting that she talks a lot. Her and my youngest daughter talk a lot. I think they have a good relationship there.

I can watch the video and I will do three pages as I write. That will get the ideas connected and running. I can set up the structure for that then I write three pages and then I edit, then I leave it at that then I write three pages again. I can do that over and over and then I will see what or where I can go from ther. I think that will work.

I will finish this, brush my teeth then I can start working on that for two hours. That be a good option for me. What else is tehre for me to write about? I don't knnow hust get to the other side. Is it time for me to learn dvorak? I think it will be easy if I learn that but when it is time for me to do programming, that is going to be a problem.

I think I can make a switch there. I am not going to do the home page thing. I don't know if I can do that in the middle of a project. It is the connection that I am looking for. Why not use geany or something else.

I can do that too. But vim has a lot of plugins that make it easy for me to write. How else am I going to do this? I don't know yet. Geany seems like a good option. I can do that as well. But navigating with the home key is so good and natural already. Why go for something else?

I don't know. I just want to finish these and see what happens. The kids are heare. I am going to wirk until eleven pm or maybe midnight. I got a few videos to watch, but most of them were junk. The really good ones, I can't find them. There is not even john caples in there.

I think there is something here for me. Just get to the other side each time and see what happens. Why not work on angular tonight. I can do work tomorrow. I think that will be interesting.

Play for now. Give myself permission to work ont his. Then I can get to the other side and see what happens. How much longer before I get work? I think it doesn't take long. I just do this and see what happens. What else is there?

I don't know. I have about three paragraphs of these to write. I can play with geany and see how it feels. I can then try dvorak, btu I need the flow to happens. How to go over that?

I don't know. It is going to slow down my writing. It might affect the flow. But in the long run, it is going to work out for me. Typing is going to be such a pleasure again.

Let's do that then.

sunday 7.52pm

I am feeling down again. I guess I am responding to the reflection. I am not the creator in this case. I spent the whole day in the house. I thought I was being productive. I could have gone out, rode my bike. There's too much contrast going on around me. What to do?

Allow it to be. Just be in the moment. That spam thing in odesk, that is in the past. I responded to it already. I withdrew the application. That is not in the present. It is already in the past. I see that. I don't think I will want to work with such a client. Doesn't know what a good proposal is.

Maybe that's how my cover letter looks like. I don't know maybe I need outside look or something. But if it has to start with dear abbey, I don't think that's where I want to go.

Anyway. I learned something there. I will put that in the compost bin. I had rock melons. Should have done that? Probably not. I had day one yesterday. I can ride tomorrow when they are gone off to their day. I can ride someplace else. Like go to the albany library. I like going to the beach. I can go to devonport or something.

I am starting a new contact on monday. I will do an hour or two of work there, then go out for a break and see what I can do. It's not much but this is what I am going to do for the rest of the year. I will bring up hours worked to one thousand hours. In the process, I am going to sharpen my writing skills.

I am also learning web development. I have some resistance to learning python. I like ruby's syntax, but there is not much resources out there that I can use. Besides, I probably don't have anything that will make for a good project. Right now, I am building a web blog. I can move all of my blogs out over there.

I am thinking of making a forum for freelancers. The one we have on facebook is not easy to use. You can't find conversations in there that are good like in stackexchange. Why not make it like reddit?

I think we can start a subreddit for that and go from there. People from odesk facebook can go there and vote up vote to their heart's content. Is it possible to start a sub reddit?

You are anonymous in that space. Why is the crunchbang going on standby? I put the screensaver on cancel. Maybe there is something else. I am syncing my files on dropbox. That way, next time I need to use something in there, it is already installed.

Crunchbang is so much faster than the lightest ubuntu. Lubuntu is still slow on that old pc. Crunchbang is more efficient, but it's not that easy to use. I can get used to it if I had to. I can customize it to my needs. There's just a lot of research to do in there.

I need to make changes also to the tags on the blog. It is now ubuntu. I can change that to linux. That way, it will be easier to look for information. Did I have a productive day today? Was I better by one percent today than I was yesterday? Doing morning pges is one percent better today. Even if I were to do this everyday as a habit, I am getting better by one percent each day.

If I were to make the choice, I am getting better by one percent. This is the habit I have right now. That new wallpaper looks like the view from the sky tower. The kids had a grand time then. Those are good folks. I can be like that. I am like that. I am. It's not out there in the future. I am like that even without the money. That's what is different there. I can help people even if I did not have money.

In separate occassions, I have helped people for free. In a different situation, they would have paid a hundred bucks for the service I gave them. I fixed their pc. It is not just three times, but more than that. Different persons. Different situations.

In that way, I gave of myself. That is more than what money can buy. You can't get that from anywhere else. I am starting day one tomorrow. It's going straight this time. I have direction. I have proof elements that it is going to work.

I can choose to stay with blogger. It is where I can write better. With appfog, I practice web dev. Right now, I am a white belt with that. Be patient young grasshopper. You will get there after ten thousand practice days.

It is not that easy. That is why I am making it easy for myself to learn it. I watch videos. I look for tutorials. It is thru experience that I learn better. When I watch a video, I follow along. This is how questions are raised. I remember that trip through punta. I used to do that a lot. I have moved on from there. I am a different person now. I am going to poop after this.

I think this is the rock melon. What else is there to do with crunchbang? I think I have everything running well right now. I can go check later on and see.

I can install monaco font. I think I can just move the font over to that folder then run that fc command on sudo. That will update everything that is the easier way to do it then.

I can do that after I poop. The kids will have sandwich for dinner. They are busy with their own thing. I am busy with mine. This is what it's like when the mom is not around. I used to have dinner with them. But they don't feel like eating. So I dropped that. We have good dinner instead when mama's around. She is home most of the time anyway.

I just write. Get to the other side. Am I sleepy? Not yet. I can get the video later. I think it is out tomorrow. I think the season is about to finish. The attack to the prison will happen. That is what's expected.

That's where you get your twist. How? Someone dies. Something else happens. Like what? I don't know. If there was a nuclear holocaust, then you will have more zombies walking around. They eat animals as well.

And animals are immune to it? I think so. Otherwise, the virus would have spread faster. What is the cause? How do you cure it? I think the body will cure itself given the chance. But that is going to be boring on tv.

People want excitement. I want this blog writing to finish so I can go to the toilet. This font looks smaller already, but this is as far as I can go with this.

I will shut down the other computer soon as it is finished updating. Is there anything else I can do there? I am not sure, but right now, all is well. Just be in the moment.

This is why I write.

8.12am monday

Wife and kids are getting ready for school. I have anxiety. I hae high expectations abuot work... things that i'll be doing. That's living in the future. I can't fix that. I can't even get a reflection off that. It's not here and now. I only have here and now.

What do I do then? Just be one percent better than I was yesterday. That's all I gotta do. No need to be in the future. Worse to be in the past. That's judgment.

Daughter just asked me to write her an excuse letter for not going to school last friday. I encourage that in my kids. When I was growing up, … my kids are growing up. Fast. Time fies around here. If I went back to manila, I feel like there's nothing there for me but memories. Like I go there just to relive the past. But if I am there, then that has meaning. So I am there. But I am not there right now. So I don't have to dwell on that.

Sometimes writing is a cathartic process for me. It's like taking a dump. It goes out, and I can see what it is. Then I am aware of what I am holding on to, rather, I see what's inside of me. I can let go easier.

I am going to ride my bike today. I check in on my work, then before lunch time, I go out. I can put the ribs in the oven when I get back. Back, meaning, I drive wife and kids to school and work. That's where I spend most of my time, alone at home.

I am missing maricar. I had a huge crush on her. I still do. I see her on facebook and I think that I could had a chance if I believed more in myself. That if I did not compare myself to others, I had a chance. This is how I live my life these days. When I see myself comparing self to others, I let go. I am aware.

I guess that's why that had to happen. I see that in my head, and in the moment, I let go. This is why these things happen. They are in the past. They happened a long time ago. And it's not in the moment. Does that mean that it's not real?

Do I want to apply for work? If I went to work, the most i'd work is one year. I never lasted more than a year in one work. Is that a definition? I think so. So be it. Summer is already finished. When I woke up, it was five am. The alarm went off at six and it was still dark. Before, it was already light before six am.

It's going to get cold again around here. And raining. I will adapt to that. That is why I ride my bike. This is how I spend my time. This is how I do joy. I am joy. Even when I just walk in the park, I have a good time.

I can get a second bike, but I don't really need it. I can get a brompton. I can look that up. Or just go for a folding giant. But that's not quite there. I will take a look and see what they got. Other than that, I am quite pleased with what I have now.

Do I want to sign up for gym again? I think I know the answer to that. I don't have to. I can do yoga. I can walk. I can ride my bike. Those are more fun for me. Maybe after a year, I can sign up for gym again. Like there has to be a year in between for me to enjoy doing that.

I can go for millenium. It's a bit more expensive, but I think I can work something out for that. I am still waiting for that other client to send work. I can skip waiting and just be in the moment. That'd be nice for me. For now, I just write.

There is walking dead. We might see that tonight. If that were a movie, it'd be a long movie and it won't be as good. Do I go see something else? I have tons of tutorials that I need to go to. I can do that later on. The kids are leaving off for school. They walk. It's only the little boy that we have to drive off to school.

Third daughter is always joyful. The only time she isn't is when things are really going against her. I love her disposition. She cheers me up. The eldest is ok too. Sometimes she works too hard. She does homework on weekends. The second, she's a bit sunny sometimes and sometimes cloudy. Mostly sunny. It's all good. They are unique in their own way.

I think I can go for three pages writing. I am not doing anything anyway. I am just waiting for wife to get ready for work. I drive her to the bus stop. Maybe we can have coffee at starbucks.

If I have it my way, I go out and ride with them to school. Ride the bike I meant. That'd be fun. I enjoy that. I will look forward to that. We are going to move to the city. That is where my excitement is. I allow that then. I am that being now.

What would I do then? How will I spend my days? We go around by bike, most of the time. It's because of the traffic. We'd be livig in the heart of the city in one of the high riss apartments there, like where eric used to live. I like that.

I go out for a wakl in the mornings, watch the rush hour traffic. Then I come back for breakfast overlooking the sea. I go to work after breakfast. Around lunch time, I go out for a ride. I can also choose to walk. I can meet new friends.

How to get there? I don't have to know how to get there. I just need to be in that frequency. That's all there is to it. Writing gets me there. I feel it now. I just keep this light inside of me. This is how you create reality, by reflection.

And what else am I going to do there? At nights, on weekends, we can go out. We can go with the kids, or I can go on a date with the wife. That'd be fun. Also, we go out on bike. No need for a car, unless it's raining.

Daughter went back for her sneakers. She has netball tryouts later on. I write. This is what I do. This is an exercise in connecting to higher self. I write down whatever comes to mind. Most of the time, it's just like these. Most of the time, nothing much comes out. Then there be times when there is just flow. I just write down what comes to mind. That is also flow.

I am in page three now. This is where flow is going. This is how I write copy. Then I edit later on. I dump everything off. I write down the flow. First I read everything about the projet. Then I compost them for half a day. Then I start writing. Then I put that away. Then I edit. I add more stuff to it. Then compost again.

That's how I write. It's not just learning how to write copy. There is also that creation. That connecting to higher self. That's where the creation comes from. I think that is what the other newbies miss.

Sure, they have access to the same learning resources. Sometimes thy get better access to that. But if they do not have writing practice, then they miss out on the creative part of writing.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and let it flow. Kids got something from their gramma. They can't wait to get that' that's forty dollars. They get toys or junk food for that. That's nice. I go back to that maricar thing. She is pretty and hot. I wonder what she's like in bed?

I don't know. Why don't you find out? Start talking to her. Flirt? no. just hang out. That'd be fun. I think she is a housewife in there. I think I can spend time there. Not everyone is going to be in there. I write things. I write a lot. Not judging. Just comparing? Not quite there too. It's just seeing and writing them down. I am no better or worse than anyone else. I am only different.

That's how things are. That's how I see things. I see that I compare and I redefine things. I don't have money, and that's ok. This is the path I am. This is the process I am in. I see things differently because of my situation. Like what?

I get to enjoy the little things. Like riding my bike through the park. Riding my bike throught he trails. There are hidden trails around here. I enjoy finding them and riding through them. I can do that again. There's this bike path from takapuna going into devonport. I think I can look it up.

How to find it? Just go there and explore. I have ice water later on. I can look for those signs that will tell me where to go. I haven't been there. It goes through several parks on the way. It goes away from the traffic. I think that will make for a good ride.

I will have ample time for that. I will am going to enjoy that. Then we move to the city. When? The sooner I have everything aligned. Right now, I can feel that. I am being that. That's where I am. And I dont' even have to live in the city. I can have that state of being. That is what being without is all about.

I am done.