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8.12am monday



Wife and kids are getting ready for school. I have anxiety. I hae high expectations abuot work... things that i'll be doing. That's living in the future. I can't fix that. I can't even get a reflection off that. It's not here and now. I only have here and now.

What do I do then? Just be one percent better than I was yesterday. That's all I gotta do. No need to be in the future. Worse to be in the past. That's judgment.

Daughter just asked me to write her an excuse letter for not going to school last friday. I encourage that in my kids. When I was growing up, … my kids are growing up. Fast. Time fies around here. If I went back to manila, I feel like there's nothing there for me but memories. Like I go there just to relive the past. But if I am there, then that has meaning. So I am there. But I am not there right now. So I don't have to dwell on that.

Sometimes writing is a cathartic process for me. It's like taking a dump. It goes out, and I can see what it is. Then I am aware of what I am holding on to, rather, I see what's inside of me. I can let go easier.

I am going to ride my bike today. I check in on my work, then before lunch time, I go out. I can put the ribs in the oven when I get back. Back, meaning, I drive wife and kids to school and work. That's where I spend most of my time, alone at home.

I am missing maricar. I had a huge crush on her. I still do. I see her on facebook and I think that I could had a chance if I believed more in myself. That if I did not compare myself to others, I had a chance. This is how I live my life these days. When I see myself comparing self to others, I let go. I am aware.

I guess that's why that had to happen. I see that in my head, and in the moment, I let go. This is why these things happen. They are in the past. They happened a long time ago. And it's not in the moment. Does that mean that it's not real?

Do I want to apply for work? If I went to work, the most i'd work is one year. I never lasted more than a year in one work. Is that a definition? I think so. So be it. Summer is already finished. When I woke up, it was five am. The alarm went off at six and it was still dark. Before, it was already light before six am.

It's going to get cold again around here. And raining. I will adapt to that. That is why I ride my bike. This is how I spend my time. This is how I do joy. I am joy. Even when I just walk in the park, I have a good time.

I can get a second bike, but I don't really need it. I can get a brompton. I can look that up. Or just go for a folding giant. But that's not quite there. I will take a look and see what they got. Other than that, I am quite pleased with what I have now.

Do I want to sign up for gym again? I think I know the answer to that. I don't have to. I can do yoga. I can walk. I can ride my bike. Those are more fun for me. Maybe after a year, I can sign up for gym again. Like there has to be a year in between for me to enjoy doing that.

I can go for millenium. It's a bit more expensive, but I think I can work something out for that. I am still waiting for that other client to send work. I can skip waiting and just be in the moment. That'd be nice for me. For now, I just write.

There is walking dead. We might see that tonight. If that were a movie, it'd be a long movie and it won't be as good. Do I go see something else? I have tons of tutorials that I need to go to. I can do that later on. The kids are leaving off for school. They walk. It's only the little boy that we have to drive off to school.

Third daughter is always joyful. The only time she isn't is when things are really going against her. I love her disposition. She cheers me up. The eldest is ok too. Sometimes she works too hard. She does homework on weekends. The second, she's a bit sunny sometimes and sometimes cloudy. Mostly sunny. It's all good. They are unique in their own way.

I think I can go for three pages writing. I am not doing anything anyway. I am just waiting for wife to get ready for work. I drive her to the bus stop. Maybe we can have coffee at starbucks.

If I have it my way, I go out and ride with them to school. Ride the bike I meant. That'd be fun. I enjoy that. I will look forward to that. We are going to move to the city. That is where my excitement is. I allow that then. I am that being now.

What would I do then? How will I spend my days? We go around by bike, most of the time. It's because of the traffic. We'd be livig in the heart of the city in one of the high riss apartments there, like where eric used to live. I like that.

I go out for a wakl in the mornings, watch the rush hour traffic. Then I come back for breakfast overlooking the sea. I go to work after breakfast. Around lunch time, I go out for a ride. I can also choose to walk. I can meet new friends.

How to get there? I don't have to know how to get there. I just need to be in that frequency. That's all there is to it. Writing gets me there. I feel it now. I just keep this light inside of me. This is how you create reality, by reflection.

And what else am I going to do there? At nights, on weekends, we can go out. We can go with the kids, or I can go on a date with the wife. That'd be fun. Also, we go out on bike. No need for a car, unless it's raining.

Daughter went back for her sneakers. She has netball tryouts later on. I write. This is what I do. This is an exercise in connecting to higher self. I write down whatever comes to mind. Most of the time, it's just like these. Most of the time, nothing much comes out. Then there be times when there is just flow. I just write down what comes to mind. That is also flow.

I am in page three now. This is where flow is going. This is how I write copy. Then I edit later on. I dump everything off. I write down the flow. First I read everything about the projet. Then I compost them for half a day. Then I start writing. Then I put that away. Then I edit. I add more stuff to it. Then compost again.

That's how I write. It's not just learning how to write copy. There is also that creation. That connecting to higher self. That's where the creation comes from. I think that is what the other newbies miss.

Sure, they have access to the same learning resources. Sometimes thy get better access to that. But if they do not have writing practice, then they miss out on the creative part of writing.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and let it flow. Kids got something from their gramma. They can't wait to get that' that's forty dollars. They get toys or junk food for that. That's nice. I go back to that maricar thing. She is pretty and hot. I wonder what she's like in bed?

I don't know. Why don't you find out? Start talking to her. Flirt? no. just hang out. That'd be fun. I think she is a housewife in there. I think I can spend time there. Not everyone is going to be in there. I write things. I write a lot. Not judging. Just comparing? Not quite there too. It's just seeing and writing them down. I am no better or worse than anyone else. I am only different.

That's how things are. That's how I see things. I see that I compare and I redefine things. I don't have money, and that's ok. This is the path I am. This is the process I am in. I see things differently because of my situation. Like what?

I get to enjoy the little things. Like riding my bike through the park. Riding my bike throught he trails. There are hidden trails around here. I enjoy finding them and riding through them. I can do that again. There's this bike path from takapuna going into devonport. I think I can look it up.

How to find it? Just go there and explore. I have ice water later on. I can look for those signs that will tell me where to go. I haven't been there. It goes through several parks on the way. It goes away from the traffic. I think that will make for a good ride.

I will have ample time for that. I will am going to enjoy that. Then we move to the city. When? The sooner I have everything aligned. Right now, I can feel that. I am being that. That's where I am. And I dont' even have to live in the city. I can have that state of being. That is what being without is all about.

I am done.