sun is out today
Tree pages. This is what the process is about. Just write three pages each day minimum. The layout is there. I am more comfortable with it. But if I went on auto... mf mother trusted me, believed in me. And so did my father. I think that was the lesson there. Do I believe in my kids too?
I am having issues with kyla. Shee is playng pc games all the time. Not that there is anything wrong with it. It consumes her. I don't see her that often. She is there, but she just sits there playing in an onlin world. What can I do about it? Get my own game as well. She gets that from you. I am like this with my wife. Because there is nothing better to do out there. It is my escape world.
So what can I do out here? I don't know what to do with my life, only that I follow my path. That I act on what interests me. The hard part here is the expectation part. I have that. I see that and realize what I am holding on. This helps me to let go. No expectations when I see it.
What to do today? I finished the laundry. I can go out and ride my bike later on. Wife said that there are books with the kids that are due already. I can ride to the library and return them. Which one? I can ride out to the city, but I will have to be back soon to pick up the kids. I don't think riding to the rity is going to help me there. What else? Albany sounds good. Brown's bay sounds even better. It's a long and uphill clinb ride. Am I up to it? I have water. I think takapuna is good. I can go there.
I don't know when jeffrey is coming back. Not that it matters. It is something that hangs in my head. Something that we have to go through. What to do about it? I do not know. I just write here. It gets there when it gets there. Only write. Do I need a job? I am waining for that answer. I don't know what to do right now. All I know is that no more computer stuff for me. I spent the whole day yesterday installing an operating system and both of them did not work.
If they were working then I can do somethitng else. I guess that is synchronicity telling me to go do something else. I just don't like it when I am always trying out something new. I feel like I am not growing good roots. Maybe I am not supposed to grow roots. Maybe go live near the sea?
I would love that. There is this place in samar that I want to move to. I can get a small hut by the sea. I can go fishing everyday. I can write there. That will be an awesome life .
I can ride on my off dafs. I can even go camp riding whenever I feel like it. That'- how I like it to be. How do I go there. How do I become that person? Start going. Go in that direction. Walk in that path. The reflection will follow.
It is a long journey going tehre. I am not that corporate person anymore. I am an artist. I don't know what my art is right now, but I do know what interests me. I ride my bike. I play around with technology. I write. These are the things that interest me. It will be interesting to wake up in the morning and look forward to something.
That was what it was like in the aikido days. I'd wake up thinknig that there is something exciting about to happen later in the day. I don't get that anymore. Maybe that's why I am here. Maybe that's why I feel lost. I don't know which way to go.
It doesn't matter really I am taking this day off. I am not going to do anything productive today. I write. Then when I finish these, I go outside and ride my bike I am headed into takapunaw but it'- an open road. I don't care where the road takes me.
It feels poignant this way. It's exciting that way but in the other side, there is that loneliness about it. I think that path is best taken with someone. Why not be open and let in whoever comes along the way? That is true synchronicity. What happens will. Trusting in the timing.
That is going to be a lot of unknown travelling. But that is what life is about really. No matter how much planning you do. It'- all about the reflection. At the end of the day, the reflection is going to show you where you are and who you've been.
This is going slow. It doesn't matter. Even if I were writing fast. It is still in writing and I am writing three pages. Even if I were to switch back to the ord layout, the new one will take over. I am going to stick with this layout. I can stick with the slow typing. This is going to get better in the end. When I am at sixty wrods per minute, it will feel easier and more flowing whet I write. For now, this is where I am..
I am writing with my oyos closed. This is going to go slow. I don't care about the spelling and all that. I will just write and see what happens.
I have plenhy iissues with the past. Why? I do not know. This is here. This is the energy that I have I don't know what to do with it other than to use up the energy. If so, then I am here. I am in that ligt. No need to be ottherwise. This is being me. This is page three now. I am only writing. No editing wehnever possible. When I see myself editing, then I let go. There's been a lot lately. Let it be. This is where I am now.
There is little effort writing in the new layout. Dvorak is the new layout. The lod layout is qwerty. It is esaier because I got used to I over the years, but given the time I have sepent on this versus the time I learned touch typing, I think I am doing good progress.
This is the process I am in. I am fine with this. I was depressed last nigt. I felt stuck. I was judging mysel. Again. I do that lots of times. I think that is also part of my process. To see myself in that light. In this light and to see that I still have a choice. Even in the darkest of nights ad when the storm hits hard, I still have that choice. This or that. It is all. Always opportunity. Is the cat trying to cet in again?
My eyes are getting tired here. I will do something else after I finish these. I am wiritng. I don't know where this is headed to. Just write. No need no.
I can go and check that bike path to albany. I think it is finished by now. And then what? Where to go from there? I can go straight to the library. My life is uneventful. I am broke most of the time. I have been here for the last five years. Why is that?
I am not lazy. I just know what is important for me. What is important to the wife may not be as important for me. That's what we always argue about. Is it still sunny? At least the relationship there is ok. It's not perfect, but it is stable.
What was that noise inside of my ear? Like there vere wings fluttering near the outside of my ear. It is gone now. Is there something crawling on my neck? This is getting spooky. I am finishing this writing and will hop on my bike.
I have about two paragraphs to go. This one and then another one that is about two or four sentences per paragraph. When I get here, I start counting how much further I have to write. I am aut of ideas and am wanting out.
That was one and this is now my last. I will post this online. I have been writing a lot, but haven't been posting. Why is that? I get tired of doing all that, and I don't want to do anything anymore.