thursday now going

Only do your best. No expectations as to what results you get down the line. There is only, everything is here and now. If you do your best here and now, then everything else will take care of itself if you allow it.

I have this tightness in me when I don't get in the light. This tells me I need a break. From there, I do something else. Right now, I feel like I 'have' to do this or that. I have something coming up in march. That's a long time from now. In the meantime, I can do something else.

The girls are getting ready for school. It's just me and the son all day. I can't go out while he's alone. I can do this and something else. I learned a few things about mongodb last night. I did not know you can do such things. Now I prefer mongo over couch. I will play with that some more.

I like ruby, but the gems and the bundler gets too complicated for me. And then there is rvm. I can install them on my arch, but not right now. It's not a priority. I want to finish what's on my list. There's three for web dev and one for game dev. I hate it when he whines like that. He's like a baby and brings me to those times.

What can I do here? Wife il getting ready to leave for work. She comes home early today. We celebrate my son's birthday. We have dinner out, see some people. I don't see them as close friends. Why is that.

Second daughter doesn't want to go to school. All of them don't want to go to school. Wife is concerned about it. It's summer still but it's not as hot like last year. Things are starting to cool down. Maybe we can have some snow here. Wife needs to be driven to the bus stop. If she walks that everyday, that be good workout.

I can do that myself. It's not a long walk. It's a good workout though and I don't get why she don't want that. Anyway, do something else here.

I think we meet her at that bus station. I got that lucida typewriter, but it's not that exciting to look at. My son gets that monologue from watching games on youtube. That's how people in there talk. If he uses f words that often, I think it's going to come out somehow.

But it's not. So I am not that worried about it. I am allowing the noise. And this is why I have headphones so I can concentrate on what it is I am doing. There is sdl tutorials to go through. I enjoy doing that. It repeats over and over, at least I get something from that.

There is also the c++ tutorials, but it gets boring. I would rather go through something I read so I can listen to music. Progressive sounds good for me. It's a steady beat and doesn't distract me so much.

That lady from college is still hot this day. I think it's because she has a detoxed body. Her system clears pretty fast. We all have different paths to take. It's not a cross that we carry, but a path to the beach. It's how I define it. It's how I see it. My path is different than yours. Not that one is better than the other. It's only different.

Sometimes we merge and walk together for a while. That's fun. But most of the time, we go on our own way. That's fine too. This is why it's interesting. I saw this guy the other day. He was riding a trike. I think he has mental challenges. He did not look like a regular kid. It's good that he rides his bike.

I enjoy riding my bike too. If I get a job or something, I ride my bike to and from work everyday, as much as I can. It's a fun way to end the day. If it's raining, then I can dosomething to adapt to it.

Daughter has to meet friends and has to make a long way detour. That's her choice. She enjoys hanging out with them. Sometimes I feel like I want her to stop playing. But that's her play. That brings her joy.

It's her life. This is her path. I can't insist on telling her what to do. That will mess things up. Or is that just a definition I have. One other daughter is walking to school. We can drive her to school. Is the son going to come with us?

This is when I have to scroll down to see how much I have to go. I don't think I can write in the old layout anymore. I can hunt for the keys but that is going to be so much slower.

I will do that sdl thing. After that go through the opengl. I don't know where this is taking us. For now, this is something that interests me. If it interests me, I go there.

community as one

Finishing some books from the library. It's not that bad. It all depends on how you define things. See it in a negative light, but everyone is on that boat, then you get to a place that's not in alignment with who you are. If you do get in the light, no matter how others see it, you get back the reflection that you like.

I woke up early plenty of stuff on my plate today. First there is that small biz seminar and certificate. I don't need a certificate to run my biz, but I am going to network and get out of my circle, expand it.

What to expect here? I don't know how long it will take it could take several weeks if they do this once a week on saturdays. It's something I can do on a weekend. Wife is still out there. I don't have to go get her. It's what she has to do. She needs to find her own light. If I don't see 'her' again, so be it. That's part of my process. Things happen for a reason.

I feel like I have to explain myself to everyone who asks about it. I don't have to go there anymore. I see that I am holding on to something, then I can choose to let go.

Son is already up. He went to bed earlier than usual. Wife is going to work today. And tomorrow as well. I don't know if they will go to church. This is synchronicity. My friend said that this will happen. So be it then. Will there be pain? It depends on how you define things—again. If you resist what is, then there could be pain. But it's just you opening up, making space. The tears that come out are chemicals washing out from you. This is why I have my frien. To remind me and explain how things are.

It has been five years that I am with this friend. I am trying out a lot of things. If things do not work out, then I can move on. At least my book is in the library. I can go there and pick up when I need it. If someone else needs it, then they too will find that book. In a way, it is now open source. It's not limited to a circle. Taht's what libraryes are for. It's for the community.

Things are different. Everything is here and now. If I were the author, I would gladly have my books shared with everyone. It's not about the small circle. It's about the community. And the community grows.

I think the crowd in the library is starting to thin. I can go home and do something else. I can have breakfast soon. Or I can do a light fast. I can go eat something else later. Chicken tastes weird now. I don't evjoy it as much as I did before. I have two liters of water with me for later. That'll do pig.

I might get home late for lunch. The kids are going to do their thing. I am easily within reach here. Eldest daughter is in charge. At least I am able to get out more often. How much is a microsoft windows os anyway? And if things were to go that way, how will they work?

I think there is always a workaroud. It will be faster to dev in python. But if you have that prototype, you can port them to c++. then that will run faster. If it were web based, do node.js.

And those two are the ones I am using now. And I am moving forward with this. Is there something else I can write about? I think I can go back to bed. Wil I get sleepy later? Definitely so. The kids are not that crazy about soda anymore.

That's great then. Things are always shifting. Where do I go then? I don't know, but I gotta do the printer thing on this computer. I will do that later. What else is there for me? Do I have to reinstall every week? No need for that.

Bills are coming in soon. That is part of the equation. The kids watch a lot on hulu. I think wife realizes that she coud have gotten a pc instead of roku. That was something she has to go through.

It's not that I can't get it to work. Sometimes the part sdon't lie up. Not all os is perfect. Even apple has its quirks. I want to dev ableton clone that's a big project. That's going to be open source if you want to move faster.

That way, it's going to be like gimp. I think there'd be an open source version of that already. I can look it up and see what the source code looks like. First, it's going to use a lot of gui stuff. That's all the init going on before the main.

In main, all things line up. This is going to finish soon. And when you have all files loaded in main, then exe will finish up and move on from there. There is the polling event. I think things are starting to make sense now. It gets long, but that's part of the process.

alicia on a thursday

Comix cursor made updates and now my cursors are a bit smaller. I like them bigger which makes it easy for me to spot them. I am able to make them up to a certain size. It's ok, but better if they can be bigger. Anyway...

wife is working out. My face looks smaller in the mirror. That's a good sign that keto is working. The waistline shows reflection later, for now, this will do. Wife is about to get ready for work. I will drive her to work. Tomorrow night, she comes home late. She will hang out and have drinks with officemates. Despedida.

I don't mind really. I am open with our relationship. If she wants to sleep with anyone, all she has to do is tell me and let me watch a few times—just to make sure she'll be safe.

Is it weird? Some people thinks so. I am that secure and confident with my self. She can leave me for someone else. It's going to be painful for me if this will happen, but it's synchronicity. Everything happens for a reason. I don't have to judge if it's good or bad. Like a present, all I need to do is to be open and allow it to happen.

This is the old mcdonalds commercial music. It was a hit then. I enjoyed eating big macs with fries and milkshake. I ran and workout a lot back then. I can eat anything and still get lean. I was at my prime physically. When was that? College days. That was a long time ago. These days, I am not in that light. How to get there?

Play more often. I have been not doing that. I tend to watch over the kids and attend to their issues. That has been happening for more than a decade now. How to get there? I was able to lose weight before. What happened? I was playing more. I was, not disciplined, but had positive motivation. Rather, my motivation was in alignment.

How to get there again? I don't know. What's apparent is that I take the next interesting path in front of me. I can go out for a bike ride today. I can workout later on. For now, do whatever that interests me. Riding my bike sounds good. That needs maintenance work anyway. The kids can text me and i'd be home in a reasonable time.

There's enough food here. There's coke and pepsi in the ref. This is a font I like do I have helvetica here? Nope. I will yaourt that later. For now, do this.

Now, that is in my head. What can I do about it? Keep it there. It's like a splinter in my mind. That matrix movie became a cultural thing. It was such a great movie that people use them as metaphors all the time.

I think that reddit has its finger on the pulse—is that the right way to say it? If you want to know what's popular, go to reddit. That's what I am saying. You won't find it on facebook. Everyone is a goody two shoes on facebook. Reddit, you can be anonymous in there.

And I spend a lot of time in there. It's interesting. Even though I get no work done, since it is interesting for me, then that's what I do.

I can do work anytime. What's important for me is that I follow that path, be in the light. Go for alignment in everything. That is all I do. Nothing outside of that. If it's not in alignment, then I go to the light soon as I find out.

Sometimes I don't see it soon enough. But when I feel heavy on the inside, then I can choose to let go. I am back with pandora. This time, I try not to like. I only unlike songs I don't like. Rap is a no no for me. I think it's on the downtrend. Rap is filler for junk music these days. They, the dope music industry, will create music that's not much, add rap to extend things. I don't think that is going to work for me.

This is how you create the world that is in alignment with my frequency. I don't have to change the world. All I need to do is to change myself. What about not having anything new?

That is only on the outside. I get new insights all the time. I jeust need to tune in and listen. I get them when I need thoem. No need to get new stuff from the lbirary. Even the wife is using that term—library.

What does it mean? If you need learning resources, you go to the library. I think there's something that needs my attention with my son's sound system. I will look into that. This here is new music.

I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. What am I getting out of it?

playing with contrast

There are days when I have good listening on soundcloud. Other times, I tend to listen to something else. And when those other times are here, I can't find a station that works. What's happening here?

Just be open. The feeling doesn't sit well. Like I can't pinpoint what I want. I have so much negative energy to work with, process. I have issues with the wife. I wonder why this is so. Her choices should not affect me. What definitions are there? That I should have control? Perhaps.

Perhaps is one word I am adding to my writing. I tend to use maybe more often. I will make changes now. So you will find myself editing while I write just so I can make a habit of using perhaps in my writing.

I came across this word while watching about time. I liked it and cried the first time I saw it. I decided to see it again with wife and daughter, and it lost its magic. That's part of it. Just let it go.

The dream before I woke up was kinda negative. I was back in ortigas center, or what felt like it and I was upset with my partner's decisions. Why is that? Was it even her that I was with? It was a female energy, I think. Am I doubting myself here? You know what you need to know when you need to know it.

I don't listen much to pandora these days. The music tends to repeat itself. It's not what I prefer. So I do something else these days. There is 8track, there is jango. There is also grooveshark. But if I went there, I would rather listen to youtube.

Anyway, I am on soundcloud now. It's... I decided to go to tubalr. I want something that works like pandora, but is based on community upvotes. I can do a search using those keywords. But where do you find one? I think it's out there. Just go look for it, rather match that frequency.

Am I not happy here? What are my choices here? At least now I know that rotorua is not a place I want to move to. Go up north and move to a beach place. Waikato I think is something you might want to consider. I want a warm place and is close to the beach. Or I can start my own business and grow things from there.

What else can I do that is my own business? Writing. And not like those desperate marketers. Just do it because it's interesting and I enjoy doing it. Now back at pandora. Tubalr did not have anything there that I enjoy listening to.

Maybe youtube should have a radio streaming where you can listen to music and leave it at that. It should be easy for them. I think I can do a lookup on that in reddit. I think I had that before. It did not work and I was not able to bookmark it. And now I am looking for something else.

I don't think you need hosts for internet radios. I enjoy listening to music. There doesn't have to be. I am restless now. They just picked up the trash. It was late this time because of the new year celebration. I can get a job, but it's not that interesting for me. I trust synchronicity. There is reflection, but this is only contrast. I trust in my higher self. That is the path I take.

Forecast is rain in the coming days. At least the weather is going to be cooler. I can do yoga later in the day. I start this. Wife is going back to work on monday. Week after that, she starts work in auckland. At least she'll be away during the day. This will give me more time for myself.

She has issues she don't want to let go. She puts other people first. I don't like that. If I don't like something, I let go. No need to spend time dwelling on it. The sooner I let go, the sooner something else can fill in that gap. I don't thing she gets it. She is of a different mind set. But I don't have to fight that. I allow her that space. I can do something else instead.

Writing about it is that something else that I can do. There are other things I can do if I wanted, but this is not it. She's up now and about to do her workout. I thought having sex will fix things. It did not.

I took sides with my daughter. I think wife's decision is not important to me anymore. My fingers feel like there's something pain in it. That's not the right grammar, but I write. No one has to read these.

There is a pain in the joints. That is not good. What to do about it? Drink pepsi. Maybe that's the one that is causing all that pain. Do something else. Like what? I don't know yet. This is the second song that is a repeat in pandora. Why is it that way?