all the while

I feel deflated...compressing(instead of depressed). I can choose to call it depression, but as my friend said, what you put out is what you get back. Label it as a negative and you get a negative effect out of it. Label it as something that you can use and you make it into something that you can use.

Of course there's nothing wrong with putting a negative label on it. As long as you are aware of the definitions and the emotions that bring forth the manifestations/reflections, then you can do whatever you want.

How did I get here? First it was the aunt passing away. A few days later, a friend is gone too. Then another. It's like I haven't in touch with them in a long time and I am ok with it. Like they have already gone from my life for quite a while now. How come a change in the definition affects me so much? It probably has something to do with my definitions. Or are they really the reason why I feel this way?

What's the worst thing that can happen here? I don't know. Wife gets angry with me and doesn't talk to me anymore. But this is what we have right now. We took the way of the internet as we do not have cable anymore. There should be funds for that. It's like putting two bills together and you get something better—streaming video. How come she complains about the cost when she is able to save so much more? You see where this is headed? It's not my baggage. This is why it's heavy. This is not mine. If it were, then I would have made changes to how we spend money around here. But I don't have a say on that. She doesn't take my opinions seriously.

At least she was able to close one credit card. But it's my credit card. I don't think she had a right to close it. She was the one who used it. It's only fair that she pay for it. But now I don't have access to my credit. This is synchronicity. The universe is telling me to go this way. And so I will.

I don't knowhow things will turn out. All I know is that it's interesting. It's pointing downstream. This is where I am going. Downstream studio. That's a good name there. I can put that in my dictionary. I am looking for a business name. I will take note of that. And I continue to write.

It's not that I can't finish what I started. There's so many interesting things to do around here. I can go on with that. There's a lot more other things as well. Only do this and see what happens.

I will do yoga when I finish this. I had coffee a while ago and I can still feel it in my stomach. Do I prefer to write? Only because it's my own writing. I can do that thing with the digital arnts studio. It's not really what the business will do. It's more lie a shell company. And then we take things from there.

And where is this going? I don't know yet. Only that I follow that path of interest. And it doesn't have to make sense. It only has to be interesting. The clouds are starting to roll in. is it going to rain?

I do yoga, then have lunch, then pick up my son. At sometime around five or before six, I go out ride my bike for the evening class. And where is this headed? I think we take on a new module today. What's for dinner? I don't know yet.

Wife is in plenty of meetings. She is busy with her new work. I haven't been to the city since she started work there. It's all up to me. I don't make that a decision or choice to go to the city. If I did, then I would have found myself there.

Then it's not in my path. I tend to do waiting a lot for the wife. I don't like that. I would rather do something else. And now I have time but I am not doing that. Should I turn on deluge?

I don't have to. I leave that on overnight. I think that's more than enough sharing there. They get what they need someplace else anyway. Even if I were to set it to unlimited, it still don't go up that much. I think deluge is a better torrent client. I like it. I will stick with it for now.

It's kinda fast too. It has enough features in it that make it useful. If I need more, I can install a plugin for it. Vuze has more features baked into it. The problem with that is that it's slower. I can go there, but since it's java, I choose something else. I don't get java. If I wanted it, I would choose c# instead. But that's just me. I could change my mind about it. If it turns out to be interesting enough, then I go there.

allow both sides

I've just discovered blues brothers. The service is fast. I think I can get faster turn around with this one. The only concern is that their selections are limited at this time. With the way people are knowing about them, it won't be long before the selection starts to pick up.

I can make a contribution to the community. Atm, I am part of a live one. It meets on tuesdays. It's just started. It has several months to go. I think this one has potential...but then again, if I am wrong about this, then it's one step closer to finidng what's right for me.

Again, I am looking into something else. There is that 'need' to be in the right place. I think the lesson for me here is that it provides contrast as to where I need to be. Be in the light. A good artist can use only a charcoal stick and still be productive.

Maya has more resources for learning at this time. I am going to stick with that. Also zbrush. It's easier to sue when creating a mesh. I am going to stick with it. By the time the business has grown, I can do upgrades to accommodate the company's growth.

As captain of this ship, I am starting a log—like the one in star trek. That'd be interesting. What if someone finds out? It don't have to. I can strike out the name from all that. Or I can start a new account that is not related in any way.

I can do that. Or I can simply stick with this one and see how far that will go. Son will not go to school today. I can take him to see the doctor. I was getting headaches last night. It might be a bug that I got from my kids. I wonder if youngest daughter will go to school today? If not, then I can go for a run later on.

I am still going out for a run. Or not. I can ride tomorrow, but wife is going to work tomorrow. I have issues there. I am not in the light. I see the contrast and that puts me back in the light. This is my process here. This is why there is contrast.

What to do today? Go with the intro tutorials. Go deep. When I get tired of that, I can go with zbrush the following day. Or not. It depends on how I feel. I am moving forward. Even if things seem like it's going nowhere, I am still going forward with this.

I got up early today. I am going to crash later on. What to do next? I can do that email thing before I get on with my day. I can do that intermittent fast. Yesterday, it somehow felt good running on empty.

I think that is helping. Running on empty feels so much better once you get used to it, or adjusted, acclimated. Compared to getting a full tank, there is no derpession that comes afterwards. I think I can explore that more.

I used to be gung-ho with open source. Now I am also seeng the benefits of the other side. Darth vader was the number one because he embraced both light and the dark side. To him, there was no judgement. Why not tell his story from that perspective?

I think he saw that unifying all was the way to go. The story was told that he was using force. Violence I mean. But if told from that perspective. You will see that he was not using violence. The resistance was using violence. Why hide your kids from their father. I think the jedis were behaving like the church. It was not good for them to do that.

How would you tell their story then? Because they embraced both light and dark, there was no judgement there. Because the resistance was negative, there was fighting that had to be done. It defined them. It was easy for the emperor to gain ground as they embraced all.

Where is this story going? I think you need to see it from a third person's point of view. Why not from a student? Someone who was watching all this from the outside. Then he or she achieved and built on their shoulders. Like standing on the shoulders of giants.

This is why I write. There is connection tehre. I was in the flow. Now the editeor is back, but still. Tho practice continues. What to do next? Only write and finish the writing. I can do the businessplan starting today. This way, I can have more time for composting.

That be the project. I can go in that direction. If it were a game dev, then blender would be good. I can go deep into unity also. Then I can do maya. It's all on that side. The programming thing goes in arch. I will go in here now and then. And then I turn of the stream. That is what this is all about.

dst coming up

I woke up, got up sometime around 540am. I went to bed sometime after eleven. This is my day pattern. It's somethnig that I can control, choose to control if I wanted to, or maybe not. But that's it.

I am going to crash in the middle of the day. Again, this is something that I can choose. I can stay up, but it is much more enjoyable waking up from a good, deep afternoon nap than to go through the day without one.

It feels refreshing. Like I disconnected and went some place else and had a grand time. It's like going on vacation. I think my friend moved permanently. I can go ask her. Maybe it's all in the comments.

Their dad works there. They practically must have grown up without him. But with tech today, they probably had constant communication. That's how things are these days. My bros do not have access to the internet as much. And that's how it is. There is a meaning for this. It works that way. If there was more, then it will be. No need to make things happen. Hings fall into place by itself.

And what are things going into? I don't know. I have gone through reddit. Sometimes it gets boring. If it's not in the first page, then it starts to lose its sizzle. The most interesting parts are from page one. There is groupon. I think there are stuff that needs to be done here.

I need my picture taken and sent to csbm today. The class is on tuesday. I don't think they'll be issuing more books. I can bring by bike. I will just bring an extra big bag this time. I was thinking of doing that. I never expected that a free govt sponsored course will give out that much stuff. It was good.

I think classes like these should be the norm. I think public should focus more on these entrep stuff. It's how the economy grows. Am I the only tech start up there? There are several others.

It's what interests you more that matters. No need to go there. Only get to the other side. I think there is something here to do. Let's see where the path leads to. Riding my bike, I can explore things. And that's how I enjoy spending my time. I don't like ride the car, go there, look around and go back. That's not me.

That rotorua trip, I could have gone there by bike and get lost in the process, then come back. That would be a more valid experience for me. I come back a different person. But it was faster. I explore the unknown now and then. If I havent been on this fork in the road, I take it.

Should I go to the library? It's a good thing to go there. What else is there? I think it's going to go there or something. For now, only do this. I have great kids. Nothing to get worried there. Trust that they know what they arre doing.

They all get up late today. I can go back to bed later and catch a nap. Or do something else. It's a weekend. I do the laundry later on. We are getting close to daylight savings again. The world is shifting. It feels like summer is shorter. The hot days are shorter and there are more cold days than hot.

This is how things are. I think we can grow from here. Is there a different meetup that I can attend? I think the tuesdays thing is good enough. I can grow from there. It's a long session. It's going to be interesting.

It's like that. You see each other that much and you go through stuff together. Growing a business is interesting. Trust the synchronicity. I can write that all day and get used to the letters. But I don't have to. It's not interesting enough. That is what leads my days. And that's what I do all day. I am supported with that.

I am now on expansion mode. It all grows from here. This is a twisted position. I cant go here much. I did yoga yesterday. I finished it off with abs. That way, everhing is covered. I don't have to force it.

I only enjoy things I do and do things that I enjoy. If it's not there, then I don't go, unless it's synchronicity, then I see it that way. The unknow. It's like the deep sea. I have this deep emotion about it. Not that I am scared. But when I see it from afar, it looks scary. But when I get in the water, it's fun. I can dive in.

it's like in puerto galera. I enjoyed that time there. It's something I can do again. It's there. I can choose to go back. Like ride bike to goat island and spend a month in there. That's what the business is about. Grow capital so I can live off it for three years even if I don't have to work. That's what this is about.

integrate no judgement

Lately I have been working more with zbrush. Today's forecast is rains. It's until thursday. But it's the end of summer, going into autumn. I guess this is how it's going to be. I wonder if the wife is still going to piha. I got this insight to get charcoal stick and a gel pen. This way, when I get that urge to draw differently, I have them with me.

I have a sixb pencil. That works well with anything. I can go for shapes, or with shading. I can do both ways. If they go to piha, I can go with them and draw. I can go to this place and that and start drawing.

I feel like my options are limited to what she is doing when I go with her. I tend to wait for her to finish. That's not me having fun.

I saw zoophilia earlier. It's sick. It kinda turned me on, but it's more because of the sex. Zoomed in, it's a turn off. I don't think I will go there. There's a lot of information coming up on the internet. I have seen some sick stuff. It's not that deep. I've been to the deep end, but I was only skimming the surface. I don't think I can stay there.

But this is what the dimension is about. It's all positive. It is only the local mind that puts judgement on all this. I don't know what to make of it. I write like someone else is watching, reading atd giving judgement on all of this.

If so, then this is part of the process for me. But come to write what comes out, what flows through. I can go there and integrate. That is the process for me. Integrate means to see the contrast and choose to be in my light. Not based on what others will think of me. It doesn't matter, but sometimes, I have that definition. I see itthere and that puts me in my light.

What do I make out of this? I don't know. It's something to write about. I have been getting up early lately. Why is that'/ I am getting enough sleep. I think I am having more hours...more time to play with. I do spend much of my time playing and exploring stuff. It's good to do that.

Going out and riding my bike is also that. Going on the internet is also that. Doing art is also integrating. It is all a part of the whhole. Nothing is ever wasted or is a block.

And this is how I lize my life lately. I have this definition that kept me out of my light. That my kids need to grow up happy and that I should control their environment. But that is not my definition. I only ask that they respect and love each other. But that has to come from me. From the inside out. I don't have to cotrol what is on the outside. It is all a reflection. I don't have to go out. I only need to go in. that is pointing downsteram.

So what do I do about it? Trust that she knows what is good for her. If she has to go through hard stuff, then so be it. I am going to integrate all of this. I know my kids are in the light. It is my need to control things that gets me out of the light, and I see that as a reflection. I don't have to experience hardship when I realize what is in my head.

What to do about this? I will am writing about this. No need to analyze. Only to see. See what is there. The definitons are made apparent. No need to change, only to see what I am holding on to.

There is nothing to control out there. There is all in here. That is where everything is. If the wife is like that, then I am being negative there. I am not allowing her to be herself. I am not allowing her to have her contrast.

I see that. I allow her the contrast she wants, then that is integration for me. That is good enough for me. I can live with that. I don't have to control her. I can only be within. That is all this is about.

Where to go now? Be in the light. Do what interests you. I can go out for a ride later. I can go get them art stuff. I have time. I don't think it's going to cost much. Maybe they can get thep en for daughter. I can get stuff for my own as well.

I wonder what the plan is for wife's friends. I think they are up to something there. Do I want to go there? It's not my cup of tea. I would rather sit out where people are and have a nice hot cup of coffee. And start drawing. Then move someplace else, repeat the process.

I can also write. Sit one place and statr writing. Do I need to be something? no. just be in the process. It's like writing. Only write and fill the page. No need for an outcome. This is the process. This is the work that needs to be done this moment. I don't have to come up with grad art all thi time. Most of the time, it is all about connecting to the flow.