integrate no judgement

Lately I have been working more with zbrush. Today's forecast is rains. It's until thursday. But it's the end of summer, going into autumn. I guess this is how it's going to be. I wonder if the wife is still going to piha. I got this insight to get charcoal stick and a gel pen. This way, when I get that urge to draw differently, I have them with me.

I have a sixb pencil. That works well with anything. I can go for shapes, or with shading. I can do both ways. If they go to piha, I can go with them and draw. I can go to this place and that and start drawing.

I feel like my options are limited to what she is doing when I go with her. I tend to wait for her to finish. That's not me having fun.

I saw zoophilia earlier. It's sick. It kinda turned me on, but it's more because of the sex. Zoomed in, it's a turn off. I don't think I will go there. There's a lot of information coming up on the internet. I have seen some sick stuff. It's not that deep. I've been to the deep end, but I was only skimming the surface. I don't think I can stay there.

But this is what the dimension is about. It's all positive. It is only the local mind that puts judgement on all this. I don't know what to make of it. I write like someone else is watching, reading atd giving judgement on all of this.

If so, then this is part of the process for me. But come to write what comes out, what flows through. I can go there and integrate. That is the process for me. Integrate means to see the contrast and choose to be in my light. Not based on what others will think of me. It doesn't matter, but sometimes, I have that definition. I see itthere and that puts me in my light.

What do I make out of this? I don't know. It's something to write about. I have been getting up early lately. Why is that'/ I am getting enough sleep. I think I am having more hours...more time to play with. I do spend much of my time playing and exploring stuff. It's good to do that.

Going out and riding my bike is also that. Going on the internet is also that. Doing art is also integrating. It is all a part of the whhole. Nothing is ever wasted or is a block.

And this is how I lize my life lately. I have this definition that kept me out of my light. That my kids need to grow up happy and that I should control their environment. But that is not my definition. I only ask that they respect and love each other. But that has to come from me. From the inside out. I don't have to cotrol what is on the outside. It is all a reflection. I don't have to go out. I only need to go in. that is pointing downsteram.

So what do I do about it? Trust that she knows what is good for her. If she has to go through hard stuff, then so be it. I am going to integrate all of this. I know my kids are in the light. It is my need to control things that gets me out of the light, and I see that as a reflection. I don't have to experience hardship when I realize what is in my head.

What to do about this? I will am writing about this. No need to analyze. Only to see. See what is there. The definitons are made apparent. No need to change, only to see what I am holding on to.

There is nothing to control out there. There is all in here. That is where everything is. If the wife is like that, then I am being negative there. I am not allowing her to be herself. I am not allowing her to have her contrast.

I see that. I allow her the contrast she wants, then that is integration for me. That is good enough for me. I can live with that. I don't have to control her. I can only be within. That is all this is about.

Where to go now? Be in the light. Do what interests you. I can go out for a ride later. I can go get them art stuff. I have time. I don't think it's going to cost much. Maybe they can get thep en for daughter. I can get stuff for my own as well.

I wonder what the plan is for wife's friends. I think they are up to something there. Do I want to go there? It's not my cup of tea. I would rather sit out where people are and have a nice hot cup of coffee. And start drawing. Then move someplace else, repeat the process.

I can also write. Sit one place and statr writing. Do I need to be something? no. just be in the process. It's like writing. Only write and fill the page. No need for an outcome. This is the process. This is the work that needs to be done this moment. I don't have to come up with grad art all thi time. Most of the time, it is all about connecting to the flow.