I am now going to write for half an hour. I want to go out for a walk, but I don't feel like leaving the wife alone. I have seen three episodes of Person of Interest. I like it. I have three seasons lined up. It's like the equalizer. That's one more movie I would like to see.
The reason I write on vim instead of open office is to practice. Maybe I can write with capital letters on the first word of the sentence. I don't have to do capital i, but when needed, i can go for it.
i don't even have to do that first capital anymore. i can fix them later before i post these. i can copy paste on word processor, then run a spellcheck before i post. but if it's writing practice, i may not have to do that. i wonder how the people are at that trading group.
i have shifted. i am out of that trading thing. we don't have internet now. we got cut off. wife hasn't paid them for more than a month. this is synchronicity for me. i don't know how things are going to turn out. how to get a job from here?
i don't know. i may have to go out and do something about it. or i can borrow money make sure i get something going for then next three months at least. is that enough? i think so. i will hit them from both ends. i apply local and at the same time on odesk.
i don't know if there is something wrong with her. she has been in the bedroom since this morning. she did not go to work. she is so distressed right now. did she want to cry yesterday? i think she is blaming me for all her problems. if that's the case, why so? i have been helping out. i have been applying for work. i don't have work. maybe she blames herself?
i don't know. she is having a hard time though. i can tell by the way she looks. what is going to happen now? i am not going to act out of fear. there are things i can do. i am fasting now. this is path of least resistance for me. the lawn mover guy is here. i can go for taht job?
if it's related, then it is going to be there. half an hour writing feels like a long stretch. i can do fifteen minutes, tops. i can resume watching that series again. but that is what i set. i do that and see what comes out the other side. this is also good typing practice. i can get better with typing this way. it is half an hour of typing and i will get better when i come out the other isde. not better. that is a value judgement. i think the right word is different. more in alignment is also an apt description. so be it then.
i keep behaving like this is a word processor. the book was not delivered this morning. maybe tomorrow then. it was a holiday yesterday. i think wife knows we don't have internet rigth now. how come she is not doing anything? maybe she is broke. what's next? i don't know.
i don't know. maybe things are changing. everything is shifting here. i don't know what's going to happen. i am allowing myself to be vulnerable. i am open to what is. no need for expectations. all i can do is be in the moment.
i can and am practice writing. this is downstream for me. this is something i can do. it's in alignment. this is what i want to do then. it is interesitng. i want to see what comes out on the other isde. no need to expect anything. it can be good or something i did not expert, and i am ok with that. whatever happens, it's happening and it tells me that it's a part of my process.
what is the wife doing there. i don't have to type wery fast. all that's needed is to connect and write that which comes to mind. i don't trade anymore. should i? it's not for me. it is time to move on. i don't have anything there anymore. i wonder what is next for me. i don't know yet.
there is a lot of i don't knows around here. third daughter was close to her mother. i think she understands. the other two are there as well. they see there's someone there so maybe they let it that way. i don't know how this is going to be. this is me connecting.
i was able to figure out how to work taht ea. that is something else. i even have one running. and that's where that needed to be. now i am done with that. it is not in alignment anymore. this istuation led me o this. it is in alignment then. this is part of the process.
even if i have to keep repeating myself here, this is what's supposed to happen now. i can recharge the battery. i don't have to listen to music. i wonder what the wife is doing in there. i went in and asked how she was. no answer. she is blocking everything out. what's next here?
when the kids get home, i go out for a walk. i need a break. i can do this as my fast day. i can have soup or something to eat tomorrow. i can edit these as i write. only to practice correct spelling. i don't want to develop habits i have to unlearn later on.
so i am going to correct while i write? not so much. only to see what is happening. is this already page two? i don't know. maybe so. i wonder how many words have i written already. how did anyone come up with a word processor? that must have been a lot of work. but it's inspired work. you know how it gets when you are in the zone. everything flows right through you.
and what can we do here? i don't know. only that i keep writing. no need to have expectations here. i have fifteen more minutes to write. i guess this is how i am going to write from here on. and then i can extend from there and see where that gets me. this is the adventure.
should i have interceded more often? i was allowing. i was open. then whatever is happening now is where i need to be. no need to be perfect. i don't know how things are going to turn out. if she commits suicide, can you take these collection agents to court and sue them? they caused emotional distress.
someone must have gone through this before. if that happens, what then? i don't know. i will take that as something that had to happen. i can't blame anyone else. otherwise, i am not going to get the most lesson out of it. everything happens for a reason. once you accept that, you will be more allowing.
it is going to be sad. it's going to be hard. but it's there for a reason. what now? i don't know. i can take a nap after i finish these. i have an hour to nap after this. i can post this upload later on. i don't have enough pictures to post with these but i can get them when needed.
and what else am i going to do about it. i was going to pay them back. should i borrow some more? if i had to. how much does she make per hour. how can i match that? odesk probably. or i can get a job. but where? i don't know yet. all i know is that this is where i am. i can test something else later on.
i may need gimp to post an image there. or not. i always have copy paste. i can get something from here and see what happens.
i dreamed i had connection and got guidance. nothing made sense in my dreams, as always they do. and what can i do about it? i don't know yet. i just don't know. stop asking so you can move on to semihnig else. like what? keep witing. keep eyes closed while writing. you will know what is in alignment. you don't have to seek them out.
do i need internet to test node? i don't think so. it's a local server. it serves pages through he browser. these are availbale in the local. i can have that working here. the problem is when i get a problem. what is she doing in that room.
i think she just lays there. maybe she is healing. maybe it has been tough for her. but if she keeps blaming me for everything, nothing is going to change. she has to accept the fact that it's her creation. why do i keep going back to that. how is this my process?
maybe i need to allow her to be miserable. you already know. what is going to happen? i don't know. you can't tell the future. you only get a sense of what is. then you can see what is happening...not what is about to happen. why not zoom out? will that help?
you get a zoomed out pictuer of what is happening. is that what you are looking for? maybe. the fingers are getting tired. i can write again later. in the meantime, this is all i can do. and i don't have to do anything else. i don't know if we are going to get internet connection. i think she used up the money yesterday. that is what i was worried about. now what?
wait for the next payday. in the meantime, this is where i need to be. maybe there is something here for me. look into that and see where it goes. i will take a nap after this. i have eight minutes to write. i wonder if this is page three by now. maybe so. it used ta take me this much time to write. do i need fountain pen?
i can go there, but i don't have to. if it's there when i get there, then it's part of the process. if it's not there, then i go someplace else. i don't have to fight it as that blocks the energy. i keep the enrgy flowing and it gets to the other side sooner. keep itsoft and malleable. that's what needs to be now.
everythng is here and now. you don't have to be someplace else. i like that series. why? it's obthe me. me the hacker and the other side that is into taking care of business. and where ishis taking me...
my book is here. i am now in business.