look for job?

Late morning pages. I can walk again, wobble is more like it. I was able to drive everyone to their day. I got back and did another set. Last night I couldn't sleep and was responding to the reflection I see in my wife. I decided last night that I was going to get a job, even if I were to go through the application process.

What job? Tech support or copywriting stuff. More tech support though as I am inclined towards building stuff and can lead to software dev. I have java to android dev and can expand on that. I am also learning dlang for desktop apps that I can use.

I can build a bot. It's just not there, here yet as I find not the motivation to continue. I can get there though when the need is there solid. I can also resume riding my bike. I miss going through that path to albany backdoor. The thing is, there's not much to do once you get there. Maybe I can do the albany library thing every now and then going through that path.

It is a longer way around. I have stuff going to the library. I can return some books I stopped reading already. It's not this or that. It's more this and that but it's really this is that. Everything is connected. There be plenty of food for me to make it through the week. I am observing how I respond. This way, I know the motivation. It's just that the definiiton is that it makes me feel good? That is out of alignment to what I prefer.

How do I respond differently then? Check into my emotion. When there is that, or the urge or the inner conversation/talk to go there, look to the source code. I have changed in the past. It's time to make it solid and finish it this time. What is waiting on the other side? That I feel better about myself. How to get there?

I do yoga. I enjoy walking out. I can still run easy. Bike ride is something I enjoy. I can ride to the city every weekend. That is something I stopped doing there. I can go back there. There's plenty of play things I can do around here. I can check that bike and see how things are doing.

I finished the laundry. It's hanging inside as the weather was grey earlier. I want to see a good comedy series but there's not a lot there anymore. I like synchronicity shows. I can write something like that. Do I have to be a writer? I don't want to be that person that produces results for someone else. That's not the right way. What is it then? I have my own path. I can contribute but not be responsible for their results.

How can I be of service then? Show them that it's their light they miss out on. Will they believe that? They don't have to. I can be on my own path and be oblivious to theirs. I want to help, but when they are on a different path, I can't do much. It seems hard to understand it, I seem mean to other people. I can live with that. It's their opinion and they come from a different point of view. I can live with that.

What happens next? I finish these, then post. I thought I was sleepy and was going to take a nap but couldn't so I got up. I want to, am interested in doing toastmasters, but there be things getting in the way. When the moment comes, I don't go anymore. I can do something else here. What would that be?

Do they use facebook messenger? I think they be hiding at times. I am ok with that. I am moving on from here. What's next for me? Grocery in two days. In the meantime, keep to the path. Continue choosing to be in the light. That is what I can do here. Not look for results only do what interests me. Everything else reflects off that. What about contrast? Use it as feedback. Expand from that as well. Everything is connected.

Daughter sees what I mean sometimes. Last wasn't that. She wanted her broken phone replaced. It's not there yet and we can't do anything about it. It's painful, but that's part of the process for everyone concerned. What now?

Choose to be in the light. That there is contrast. I am learning something out of it? What? That it can go there, sometimes it won't be apparent. That if, when I am not able to help then I am not meant to help in that situation. That there is something there for her. I can live with that. How do you tell her that? See if she gets that. I can explain that later.

Last night I was not able to explain very well as I was busy doing something else with her mom. Maybe later when the opportunity arises then I can sit down and explain things with her. I wonder if she is going to get it? I don't know. Maybe she will or not. What's important is that this is here and now.

I think that hotkey is still in place. I can go use that sometime in the future. It's bright and sunny outside. There be clouds but scarce and it's stopped raining already. The kids can walk home from school. I wonder if wife is going to walk from bus stop. She can. It's a short walk from her office anyway. But that's here. I do things differently.

Like what? I don't need outside stuff much to get me in my light. It's more internal. At times the outside reflection I let it affect me. It's the initial response. Soon as I am used to the energy, I use up the energy. I want to see something interesting. There's that hole in me.

How do you deal with that? Observe it. Like there's something missing in me and need something from outside to fill up that hole.